As if it weren’t exciting enough to get a Twitter feed from this clot in the arteries of late night Americana, Denny’s now offers a late-night menu of breakfast options, reasonably priced slightly above the market value for Grade W Protein Alternative Foodstuffs (mostly circus animals, some newspaper filler). The entrees were supposedly created by some of your “favorite” “popular” “musicians”! Bands like Rascal Flatts and Gym Class Heroes and Good Charlotte have taken to the roach-infested hallows of their local greasiest spoon to hand-craft these exciting breakfast entrees.
Since I’ve got an in on just about anything that can cause harm to the human body through dietary consumption — I’m a Freemayon — we here at Pajiba are excited to bring you a sneak preview of their next wave of heart-attack inducing drunkard fodder. Bon appétit!
An egg white omelet served with swiss cheese, white toast and a cup of weak-ass Earl Grey tea. Easy on the digestive system — it’s almost like eating nothing at all!
Just a western omelet served with hash browns. It tastes good, but you get filled with this overwhelming sense of disbelief that they’re still serving this late. It’s like 4 a.m.; seriously, there’s still an audience for this stuff?
Banana pancakes, no nuts. They’ve been serving this for years, only before it was called N’Sync, The Backstreet Boys, Hanson, The Osmonds …
A delicate crepe suzette that’s almost lacy and elegant, with a huge polish sausage just stuffed right in the middle.
All you can eat cinnamon French Toast! The first couple servings are amazing, probably the best you’ve ever eaten. But as they keep coming, it gets more stale, and flavorless and repetitive.
Our Meat Lover’s skillet — bacon, sausage, ham, you name it! Only all of it is made of soy and tofu.
Creamed Chipped Beef with herbs served on green-tinted marbled pumpernickel. This shit on a shingle looks terrible, but when you sample it, it’s surprisingly delicious.
Guns N’ Roses
This special takes three hours to make and costs four times as much as you’d want to spend. Then by the time you get it, it’s just a bowl of cold cereal. And not even brand name, but some generic crap like Fruit Rings or Cocoa Crisps.
Fried chicken and waffles, served ironically. A special caveat: if any person of color in the restaurant sees you eating it, they’re allowed to beat you with pipes.
Scrapple, covered in dishwater, served in a plastic Styrofoam container. So you can get the hell out for ordering it.