We say we don’t care about the Academy Awards, but just mention the fact that Julia Roberts somehow managed to get herself one and see if you don’t get an earful. I mean, come the fork on—anyone who has ever seen Julia Roberts in anything knows she hasn’t got an ounce of actor blood in her veins. (Okay, maybe I’m a little off on that because her brother is a fine actor. But you get my point, right?) She sucks. And Erin Brockovich sucked. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
Now here’s the list; just you try to argue with me:
5: Tom Hanks: Forrest Gump:
I don’t give a crud who he was up against, this slow-talking bullshit performance was exactly that: bullshit. Hanks can be a great actor—his win for Philadelphia the year before was completely deserved—which is why this win was like a Bubba Gump Shrimp Ass Motherfucking slap in the face.
4. Kathy Bates: Misery:
Quite simply, this was a year of not particularly memorable performances and so the Academy threw up their hands and said, “Screw it! We’ll give it to the underdog.” Was she decent? Sure. Was it an Oscar winning performance? Hell no. Up against Meryl Streep, Angelica Huston and Joanne Woodward (and inexplicably, Julia Roberts again), surely they could have picked any one of them and it would have been more credible.
3. Sandra Bullock: The Blind Side:
How can anyone ever take the Academy seriously again? Sandra Bullock? Up against Carey Mulligan for An Education, Helen Fucking Mirren for The Last Station and Gabourey Sidibe for Precious; are you kidding me? Not to mention, Meryl Streep, who even on her lightest day of acting in Julia & Julia could kick Sandra Bullock’s ass all over the place. This was a disgrace.
2. Julia Roberts: Erin Brockovich:
We all know she can’t act her way out of a paper bag. Roberts’ attempt at being seductive—letting her bra show as she did her signature clunky man-walk—was as massive a failure as her trying to be commonplace or earnest.
1. Gwyneth Paltrow: Shakespeare in Love:
By far, the worst Acting Oscar mistake—I still cringe when I think about it. Up against Cate Blanchett’s phenomenal and mesmerizing performance as Queen Elisabeth I, in Elizabeth, it is completely and utterly ludicrous that the Goopster won. There is no justifying this decision. Paltrow pretending to be a boy:
Blanchett as Elizabeth: