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Ugly Hot: Thirteen Dudes I Would Like To Meet In A Dark Corner. A Really Dark Corner. Seriously, Turn The Lights Off.

By Joanna Robinson | Lists | March 4, 2011 |

By Joanna Robinson | Lists | March 4, 2011 |

Are looks everything, ladies and gents? No they are not. But they are something. The following dudes, however, possess some brand of magnetism that they should consider bottling because despite their generally unappealing (and in some cases genuinely appalling) faces, I wouldn’t kick a single one out of bed.

Willem Dafoe Unusually alluring, despite the thousand splendid creases. The man looks dreadful in drag. Really, super terrible. But was kind of sexy in scary Nosferatu make-up and in everything else ever.

John Leguizamo Looks marginally better than Dafoe does in drag (this is not a requisite for sex appeal, but it doesn’t hurt…look at Eddie Izzard if you don’t believe me). Leguizamo’s fast talking, preening persona does it for me. Sometimes, machismo works.

Vincent Cassel Master of the Gallic sneer, banger of the hottest Italian this side of Loren, the man is sex on (frog) legs.

Forest Whitaker The lazy eye? The slightly dopey expression? I don’t know, I still want a crack.

Matt Smith The thing about the Eleventh Doctor (the Raggedy Doctor) is that despite his deplorable hair, alarming lack of eyebrows and melty features, the man is somehow sexier than David Tennant. I’d let him inside my Tardis if you. . .em…it’s bigger on the insi…em. I can’t do this. It’s too gross. Call me, Matty!

Adrien Brody Brody has always had a rakish (as in skinny as a) charm. In fact, he’s number two on my all time bangable list. But, dear lord, check out the beak on that bird.

Michael K. Williams Oh, in-deeed. The scar really only enhances Williams’ appeal, wouldn’t you say? It didn’t hurt that as Omar on “The Wire” he was frequently shirtless. Also, he charmed the pants off of NPR’s Terry Gross. As Terry’s pants go, so go the nation’s.

Benicio Del Toro I’m convinced Del Toro is in a race with Matthew Perry to see who can pack the most in the bags under their eyes. While I find Chandler nice and all, it’s Del Toro I want mumbling incoherent nothings in my ear.

Jesse Plemons I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, you can keep your broody Tim Riggins. Jesse Plemons may look like someone left Matt Damon in the oven too long, but he’s the only Dillon Panther I want to sack.

John Hawkes Will it astonish you to know that out of all the Best Supporting Actor nominees this year, I find Hawkes to be the hottest. Oh yes, you heard me Bale and Ruffalo fans. Hawkes is not only a great actor, but he’s also in a band. Everyone knows that being in a band is a guaranteed 465 sex points (unless you’re Jordan Catalano and INSIST on wearing too much eyeliner and stupid hair).

Tony Leung Leung isn’t ugly, per se, but he’s so astonishingly average looking. However, he exudes sandy, calligraphic sex appeal in Hero; radiates noodle-y passion in In The Mood For Love; and will make you explode with the blatant kink of Lust, Caution.
Tony Leung no66893.jpeg

Steve Buscemi Despite the fact that he looks like what happens when your pug successfully mates with your leather boot, Buscemi’s hangdog face has always held a strange attraction. Also, it’s pronounced “Boo-semmy?” Fine, I’ll call you whatever you want, just turn the light out and come over here.

Joanna Robinson wonders if there’s a female version of this list and who would be on it. She also wonders if wondering that makes her a traitor to her gender. Shout out to stardust for the idea.