A long, long time ago (approximately 36 years) in a top secret genetics research laboratory (somewhere in Washington, D.C.) a woman agreed to be part of a groundbreaking artificial insemination experiment. Rather than impregnate fertile women with the average donated sperm, a group of government scientists were determined to impregnate those women who seemingly could not carry a child to term. The scientists reasoned that a mixture of DNA, from the strongest sperm acquired surreptitiously via nocturnal emissions of the nation’s physically healthiest male specimens, would do the trick to cure infertility. A spicy semen stew, if you will. When a viable mix was finally created, the only one of its kind, it was named the Bagans Alpha in honor of the U.S. citizen who bravely donated her supposedly barren body to science.
Nine months later, a bouncing baby boy was born. His mother named him Zak. He would grow up to lift weights and adventure with ghosts, eventually filming his escapades for a “reality” television show. At some point in the interim, two of the highly classified scientists fell in love, married, and tried to start a family. Sadly or ironically, or probably both, the couple discovered they couldn’t have children the old fashioned way. Rather than leave themselves to their childless fate, they decided to steal a second batch of mixed DNA — this one acquired from the nation’s most intelligent male specimens, under the impression that if strong sperm couldn’t break through the egg’s defenses, then the smartest or cleverest could sneak around them. This never-meant-to-be-used concoction was named the Bagans Beta.
The couple went on the lam, changing their names and moving to Canada in order to escape U.S. authorities. Approximately 11 years after Zak Bagans was birthed, Michael Cera came into this world. Exercising his mind and funny bones in lieu of his body, he eventually made us laugh and stole our hearts on, arguably, the best sitcom of the last three decades. Neither Bagans nor Cera are aware of their shared genetic traits, though both have probably always suspected there was something different, something undeniably unique and special, about only them. Nor do I have any actual documented proof of this tale’s veracity, as confirmed by no one.
But I do have evidence that is sufficient enough to sway even the most gullible of juries. Specifically evidence in the form of comparison shots of Zak Bagans in his natural habitats and Michael Cera as George-Michael Bluth in a muscle suit from the aforeferenced “Arrested Development,” which can be found immediately below:
Exhibit A: Casual Cool
Exhibit B: Preparation Time
Exhibit C: Posturing
Exhibit D: Candid Full-Bodies
Exhibit E: Letting it All Hang Out
Note: Any of this post’s similarities to the classic Arnold Schwarzenegger/Danny Devito comedy Twins is purely coincidental; as well, this post does not condone any future or currently developing remake of said 1988 movie, i.e. Twins, starring, or not, the above mentioned television personalities, the Messrs. Bagans and Cera. However, the author reserves the right to watch and enjoy any such a film that were to exist, and none of the previous disclaimers preclude any such eventuality.
Rob Payne also writes the comic The Unstoppable Force, tweets on the Twitter, tumbls on the Tumblr, and his wares can be purchased here. He’s sure he isn’t the first to make this connection, but he might be the first document it.