I despise Christmas music. So much so that when I came upstairs yesterday and found that my daughters had turned the TV to The Fireplace Channel with it’s canned elevator Christmas Carol Muzak I actually told them that, if I ever found that channel on my television again, they would receive a sound thrashing. I wasn’t always this way and did enjoy the musical offerings that the holiday season had but only in reasonable doses. Then came the time in my life when I got my first, second and third jobs. As I’m sure anybody who has worked in the hospitality or retail industry will be able to tell you, Christmas is an especially heinous time of year to be a part of either or both of those professions. Many people are anything but kind and understanding as they’re racking up debt in an effort to find that perfect gift for someone special. They’re most definitely not patient while you toil away to make their (and the other one hundred people in the store or restaurant) dining or shopping experience as pleasant as possible. They most certainly could give a robust expulsion of noxious gasses in the cold winter wind whether you’re having a hell of a day or need to close quickly so you can visit your dying grandmother in the hospital. No, for a season of giving, people can be remarkably selfish.
But what really makes retail and hospitality the sixteenth circle of hell for those doomed to work them through the holidays is the fucking Christmas music. There’s nothing quite like being aurally tortured for six to twelve hours a day by the various screechings of whatever mis-mash of religious, pop and guilt inducing Christmas songs that any particular employer willfully subjects their labour force to. It’s an inescapable, repetitive and wholly inhumane method of breaking a human being and should be internationally banned by UN resolution and some sort of convention. There is no escape. You’re a captive audience with no choice but to lock some small part of you away in the corner of your mind in the hopes that you can retrieve it again when it’s all over. The hours and hours I’ve spent directly under a speaker blaring the most insidious of nutty yule logs into my ears still awakens me in the middle of the night crying for the release of a ruptured ear drum. So for all of those people who are working in a retail store or restaurant this holiday season, we’re all going to share a little bit of your pain. These are by no means all of the worst or necessarily the worst but it’s as far as I got before I started hallucinating that Santa was trying to touch me. Again.
Mary’s Boy Child - Boney M
So this is Christmas - Celine Dion
Mariah Carey - All I want for Christmas is You
Jeff Dunham - Jingle bombs
(2:30 to avoid the asshattery and you’re welcome Pissboy)
Fucking anything Jingle Cats/Dogs
Fucking Mini Pops
Bieber Serenading YOUR President
Vive le revolution!
Alvin and the Chipmunks
Vanessa Hudgens - Winter Wonderland