In 2008, if you were a woman with a skirt suit and hair long enough to put in a bouffant-lite updo, it was 98% certain that you were Sarah Palin for Halloween. I was at the Greenwich Village Halloween parade, OK? I remember. Years have passed, and with them a whole slew of “clever” topical Halloween costumes have come and gone (Antoine Dodson). Here are six things that no one should dress up as this year, so help me, even though some people already have. If you see anyone in any of these outfits, you can slap them. Tell the police you have Pajiba’s permission.
“Obnoxious” isn’t the word for people dressing up as Ray Rice for Halloween. There probably isn’t a word for people dressing up as Ray Rice for Halloween—there’s just uncontrollable, high-pitched shrieking. And it’s not just one little kid, above, (or one little kid’s parents) who decided that dressing up as someone best known for beating his wife would be hi-larious. No. Multiple Ray Rice costumes have popped up already, and it’s not even Halloween yet.
Extra shitheel points go to those who use blackface. Actually, that’s a good general point. Disregard Ray Rice. Disregard 2014. If you do blackface in your Halloween costume, you’re racking up shitheel points.
Zombie Robin Williams
I haven’t seen it yet, but I have too little faith in humanity to believe that a picture won’t pop up on the Internet of someone taking advantage of Williams’ tragic death so they can be the “cool guy” at their frat’s Halloween party. You are not the cool guy. The guy who wore a goddamned furry outfit is cooler than you. “But he was a comedian! He would’ve appreciated it!” No. Go away.
“Sexy Ebola Containment Suit” or non-sexy male version
The entire discussion about the oversexification of Halloween costumes for women as compared to their male counterparts kind of becomes a moot point when all versions of a costume are making light of the deaths of thousands of people. Reuse your Breaking Bad outfit from last year to dress as those idiot scientists from Prometheus or something.
Anything related to Malaysian Airlines and their two crashes
I don’t care if it’s a flight attendant, a pilot, a passenger. Whatever. Don’t do this. The power of good taste compels you.
Mama June from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
I’m sorry to everyone who was slaving over their Mama June costume for months before it came out that she’s dating the man who was in prison for ten years for sexually molesting her eldest daughter, which in turn led to the show’s swift cancellation. (Props to TLC for actually cancelling, by the way. Having the best interests of its subjects in mind isn’t exactly its forte, but you know E! would’ve milked that shit.) But there’s nothing to be done here. You have to let it go. Speaking of letting it go…
NOT. EVEN. ONCE.
Instead of the above costumes, may I recommend: A vampire! A pirate! The physical manifestation of a debilitating sense of ennui! It doesn’t matter. No one’s gonna top whatever Sir Patrick Stewart decides to do this year, anyway.
Rebecca @RebeccaPahle prefers Reese’s Cups and Bottlecaps, if anyone wants to send her candy.