In the 1980s, Mickey Rourke could virtually do no wrong. After that decade ended, however, it’s been a hit or miss (and mostly a miss) affair. For every Buffalo 66, The Pledge, and The Rainmaker, there were several other clunkers and/or straight-to-DVD affairs. In very recent years, he’s had something of a career resurrection with 2008’s The Wrestler and a coveted role in 2010’s Iron Man. Unfortunately, Mickey’s wasting no time in squandering that goodwill, starting with last weekend’s offering. Let’s not waste any more time and just hop right into this list of Crappiest Mickey Rourke movies ever:
Immortals: We might as well kick things off with an entry from last weekend’s new releases. Yes, I saw it for Henry Cavill, but all the six-packs in the world couldn’t make it interesting to watch.
13: A wonderful example of when a low-budget original outshines an overwrought remake.
Wild Orchid: A hot mess and a movie about sex that somehow managed to be decidedly unsexy.
Passion Play: Rourke apparently thought it was a good call to play a sax player in love with an winged creature played by Megan Fox. Even worse, Bill Murray fell for it too.
Domino: With such trendy editing strategies as berzerker editing, acid flashbacks, and a camera attached to an apparent bobblehead, this shit was unwatchable.
Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man: This movie tried to be the next Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. It summarily failed.
The Informers: Never before has hedonism inspired such boredom.
Killshot: Poor Elmore Leonard. Thank goodness “Justified” has picked up the adaptation slack.
Masked and Anonymous: Imagine a Bob Dylan song that never ends. You’ve now got the gist of this movie.
Desperate Hours: Towards the ending of this movie, Rourke’s character (a so-called “dangerous criminal”) runs out of bullets and uncharacteristically loses his shit. How insulting to the audience.
Stormbreaker (Alex Rider: Operation Stormbreaker): Rourke plays a billionaire humanitarian with ulterior motives in this insufferable Bond knockoff for kids.
White Sands: A story of an apparent suicide victim that left me wanting to do so myself.
And a little unexpected bonus number for you…
The Expendables: Sure, it was box-office gold, but should we encourage such misogyny masked with “a punch drunk attempt at chivalry”? Seriously, this was not nearly the spectacular cheesefest that the 1980s managed to accomplish in spades.
Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at Celebitchy.