Matt Damon found himself in lukewarm water this week after he kinda-sorta-but-not-really insinuated that gay actors should remain closeted to preserve some sense of mystery. Primed, the outrage machine belched smoke and roared to life. Reactions ranging from anger to disappointment to outright dismissal flooded the Internet. Rather than rehash an argument I’ve made multiple times here before, I thought it might be worth cobbling together examples of truly outrageous, inflammatory, downright abhorrent behavior to try to determine where Damon’s slights rank by comparison.
Or just read it for fun. I don’t care. I’m busy.
Ever wonder why John Wayne was nicknamed “The Duke?” Most think it’s because Duke was the name of the Wayne family dog. But based on an interview with Playboy, Wayne may have earned the moniker because his views on race have much in common with failed presidential candidate-slash-KKK Grand Wizard David Duke. Here’s what he told Hef’s mag in 1971:
“We can’t all of a sudden get down on our knees and turn everything over to the leadership of the blacks. I believe in white supremacy until the blacks are educated to a point of responsibility. I don’t believe in giving authority and positions of leadership and judgment to irresponsible people.”
“I think the Hollywood studios are carrying their tokenism a little too far. There’s no doubt that 10 percent of the population is black, or colored, or whatever they want to call themselves; they certainly aren’t Caucasian. Anyway, I suppose there should be the same percentage of the colored race in films as in society. But it can’t always be that way. There isn’t necessarily going to be 10 percent of the grips or sound men who are black, because more than likely, 10 percent haven’t trained themselves for that type of work.”
There was a time when the first thing that sprang to mind about Mel Gibson was “hugely talented director and action star,” not “grotesque sexist, bigoted, anti-Semitic trash creature.” Mad Max has uttered so many despicable statements I don’t have room to list them all in this post. So here are the greatest hits:
“You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of ni**ers, it will be your fault.” — Gibson, to his ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva
“Fucking Jews…The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Are you a Jew?” — Gibson, to a police officer arresting him for DUI
“They take it up the ass. This is only for taking a shit.” — Gibson, to Spanish newspaper El Pais in 1991 when asked what he thinks of gays
“I’ll apologize when hell freezes over. They can fuck off.” — Gibson, to Playboy in 1995, about whether he’d issue an apology to gays and lesbians about the above comments
You may think the King of Pop(ping unwilling children’s cherries) made this list because of his alleged tendency to abuse kids. TWISTTTTTTT! [airhorn sounds] Today we’re highlighting his anti-Semitic bent. Check out this voicemail Jackson left on former advisor Marc Schaffel’s answering machine in 2003 railed about Jews:
“They’re like leeches. I’m so tired of it. They start out the most popular person in the world, make a lot of money, big house, cars and everything. End up penniless. It is a conspiracy. The Jews do it on purpose.”
Shocking that a Georgia-born superstar from a “sport” primarily followed by people who wear Confederate Flag vests to Applebees after church (sorry, Joe) exhibits racist tendencies, I know. Yet leaked audio from Hulk Hogan’s sex tape recently revealed the Hulkster to be an abominable human being.
“I don’t know if Brooke [Hogan] was fucking the black guy’s son. I mean, I don’t have double standards. I mean, I am racist, to a point. Fucking ni**er. But then when it comes to nice people and shit, and whatever. I mean, if she was going to fuck some ni**er, I’d rather have her marry an 8-foot-tall ni**er worth a hundred million dollars! Like a basketball player! I guess we’re all a little racist. Fucking ni**er.”
Sometimes, garbage people, for reasons known only to their dumpster selves, think heckling a comedian during a set is a quality use of time and oxygen. This is never true, but you can’t blame garbage for acting like garbage any more than you can fault a shark for devouring a bleeding human thrashing around their waterspace at dinnertime. There are appropriate ways to handle a heckler (Brock gets their names and adds them to a Megan’s Law database). Then there’s how Michael Richards infamously responded in 2006:
“Fifty years ago we’d have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass. You can talk, you can talk, you’re brave now motherfucker. Throw his ass out. He’s a ni**er! He’s a ni**er! He’s a ni**er! A ni**er, look, there’s a ni**er! They’re going to arrest me for calling a black man a ni**er.”
Charlie Sheen made this list? Who’s next, Gandhi? Hmmm, where to start? [throws dart at Abhorrent Behavior wheel.] Violence against women it is! The Two and a Half Men star’s ex-girlfriend alleged that Sheen pulled her hair and slammed her head into a marble floor, knocking her unconscious. He also allegedly held a knife to ex-wife Brooke Mueller’s throat in 2009. What’s next? Misogyny! Sheen called his ex-wife, Denise Richards, a “washed-up piglet shame pile,” a “shakedown piece of shit” and “the worst mother alive.” On Father’s Day. That’s at least, uh, better(?) than the leaked voicemail Sheen left on Richards’ answering machine in 2008: “I hope I never fucking talk to you again you fucking cunt. Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and a fucking ni**er, alright, so fuck you.”
Hey, remember when iconic Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page ordered a roadie to kidnap a 14-year-old girl and bring her to his hotel so they could have wild underage sex? Oh, you haven’t heard that one? Grab a fucking stool. Page ran into young Lori Maddox at a club in 1972, decided he’d like to bang her, and sent Richard Cole over to her table to deliver a message. Page’s suave line? “Jimmy told me he’d going to have you whether you like it or not.” SPLOOSH, amirite ladies? According to Maddox’s Zeppelin biography, Hammer of the Gods, Cole then threw Maddox into a limo and whispered another sweet nothing of his own: “You fucking move and I’ll fucking have your head.” Page kept Maddox literally locked away for months to prevent their relationship from becoming public (i.e. so Page wouldn’t get thrown in jail for child rape). This disgusting story has a happy ending, though. Just kidding, Page eventually left Maddox for someone else.
Let’s play my favorite Pajiba game: I summarize a seemingly ridiculous event, and you tell me which parts are real and which are fabrications. Ready? In 1993, Ted Danson appeared onstage in blackface during a $250-a-plate charity benefit for the New York Friars Club. The audience, which consisted of black luminaries such as New York City mayor David Dinkins, Halle Berry, Anita Baker, Mr. T, Muhammad Ali, RuPaul and Sugar Ray Leonard, watched in horror as the former Cheers star roasted then-girlfriend Whoopi Goldberg by saying “ni**er” a dozen times, delivering horribly offensive jokes about minorities, and eating watermelon. Did you spot the fake? Pretty obvious right? Ali wasn’t there. THE REST OF THAT SHIT ACTUALLY FUCKING HAPPENED! IN NEW YORK CITY! IN THE MID 90s! WHAT THE TAINT?!?!?! Here’s Roger Ebert’s cringeworthy recap of the revolting evening.
In 1979, Elvis Costello and members of the Stephen Stills Band found themselves drinking together at a Holiday Inn in Columbus, Ohio, in what must be the saddest sentence ever typed about two rock-and-roll bands. If you’re wonder how sucking down beers at a hotel chain bar in a Rust Belt city at 2 a.m. could get any worse, read on. The Britain-born Costello, hammered, decided to shit all over the greatest country in the universe and some of our most treasured artists. Specifically, James Brown and Ray Charles, who Costello called a “jive-ass ni**ger” and a “blind, ignorant ni**er,” respectively. SSB backup singer Bonnie Bramlett took a moment to process the statements before responding appropriately…by backhanding Costello across the face, setting off a brawl between the two bands. The story would have been lost to history had Bramlett not gone straight gangster and told the press about Costello’s behavior. When forced to comment on the fiasco, Costello tried to argue that he was deliberately offensive so the group would leave him alone. Makes sense. Charles, for his part, seemed to give Costello a pass, saying “Drunken talk isn’t meant to be printed in the paper.”
While most of us (well, except for North Carolina) vomited into our mouth when we heard Ben Carson state that a Muslim should never be president, 1960s bombshell Brigitte Bardot stood up and screamed “LE FUCKING-A RIGHT!!” Probably. Because she’s French. And super racist against Muslims. French courts have convicted Bardot five goddamn times on charges that her anti-Muslim comments have “incited racial hatred.” Bardot has railed against “foreign overpopulation” by Muslim immigrants (France is home to 5 million Muslims) and accused Muslims in print of “destroying our country.” French authorities are so tired of charging Bardot that Anne de Fontette, the prosecutor in her most recent trial, told the court she wanted a tougher sentence than usual because “I am a little tired of prosecuting Mrs Bardot.”
I’m growing tired of summarizing all these racist assholes so I’m going be quick with this one. Paris believes black men are “gross” and said she’d never touch one (ironically the same thing I said about Hilton sisters back in the mid-2000s) and described her and her sister, Nicky, as “two ni**ers” while dancing to Biggie’s “Hypnotize” in 2007. Whatever, next waste of humanity please.
Jonathan Rhys Meyers
Oh, this is spectacular. According to RadarOnline, my man JRM got so sauced at the first-class lounge in JFK airport than United banned him from flying. At 7 am. The Tudors? More like Two Dewars too many, amirite? Meyers, like most drunks, accepted his banning with professionalism and grace. And by that I mean he allegedly screamed obscenities — including the N-word — at airport staff. Rhys Meyers is no stranger to travel-related intoxication. French police arrested Meyers in 2009 after he allegedly attacked bar staff at Paris’ Charles de Gaulle airport; two years earlier he was arrested at the Dublin airport for being too drunk. Seriously, think about how wasted you need to be to get locked up for drunkenness in fucking Dublin. That’s like Germany writing you up for discrimination.