Initially, this post was actually titled “The 8,000,000 Crappiest Movies of John Leguizamo’s Career.” This frustrated hyperbole wasn’t necessarily an statement about Leguizamo’s level of acting talent because, obviously, the guy is talented as hell. Still, he eats curtains before breakfast each day, which is a skill set that serves him well in roles such as Tybalt in Romeo + Juliet and as Benny Blanco in Carlito’s Way. Yet Leguizamo’s shtick is often best suited to characters within really crappy movies, of which he’s made enough to truly qualify for a much longer list. As many of you often state in the comments, it might have been easier to make a list of his good movies instead of narrowing down the crappy ones to merely eleven selections. So there was a lot of cutting involved here, and Righteous Kill didn’t even make this list, although this weekend’s One for the Money might just eventually qualify for inclusion.
Let’s do this.
Spawn: Perhaps the comic was unadaptable, but the filmmakers did the very dark material a further disservice by attempting to go comedic.
The Super Mario Bros.: C’mon, this is self-explanatory entry.
The Pest: Even worse than John starring in this film was the fact that he wrote it too.
Ice Age : Dawn of the Dinosaurs: This is the installment wherein mammoths existed alongside dinosaurs and, sadly, Scrat loses interest in his precious acorn to chase female squirrel tail.
A Pyromaniac’s Love Story: This movie started out with a cute, funny title but failed entirely in the execution.
Empire: Leguizamo may have acted his ass off here, but the plot holes prevented the movie from taking off as planned.
Gamer: Yet another failed attempt to make Gerard Butler happen as more than a CGI-enhanced, muscle-bound hottie.
The Babysitters: This is a movie about a bunch of sitters who double as call girls for married men. Adorable, right?
The Happening: The plants should’ve plotted to kill this movie before it even … happened.
Love in the Time of Cholera: This movie did away with the subtle wit of the book and inserted a cigar-chomping Leguizamo in its place.
And a little unexpected bonus number for you…
Spun: I get the whole “anti-drug message used as entertainment” intention of this movie, but the stripper tied to the bed for four days just killed it for me.
Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at Celebitchy.