I know all of you were sitting around this morning thinking, “What would make me happy in my happy place? Oh, I know: A Lifetime version of V.C. Andrews’ Flowers in the Attic.”
Congratulations! Your trashy TV Gods were listening.
Set to air this month on Lifetime, Flowers in the Attic features Heather Graham as an evil, conniving bitch (hahahaha), Ellen Burstyn as the horrible, scenery-chewing grandmother, and Mad Men’s Kiernan Shipka as the brother f**ker. It’s going to be a delight of bitch slaps, bad acting, and wild eyes, which is to say: Your typical Lifetime event.
You can watch the full three-and-a-half minute trailer now — it’s mostly mood setting, although that cover of “Sweet Child of Mine” is always great — or, if you’d prefer, you can cut straight to the chase with 10 screenshots that tell you exactly what to expect.
1. Momma’s batshit, wide-eyed look of shock, which Heather Graham will no doubt submit to the Emmy committee.
2. A glimpse of Granny before she put on her face (and hair), which is probably just a shot from Requiem for a Dream.
3. Big sister Shipka goes Helen Slater in The Legend of Billie Jean .
4. Little sister learns the hard way never to speak in high volumes around Granny or she’ll cover your mouth with her hand and eat your soul.
5. What would Flowers in the Attic be without a lifeless body in a trunk?
6. Looks like Granny has been taking a switch to her daughter.
7. Momma’s got those wild eyes again! Let’s give her TWO Emmys.
8. Don’t you talk back to Momma, not unless you want to introduce your soft CW face to the palm of her hand.
9. I’m not sure if this is Mom or Big Sister, or if that man on the bed is dead, but I feel like he’s not someone anyone should be mouth-kissing.
10. There it is! The big brother/big sister incest money shot. BROTHERF**KER BROTHERF**KER.