It’s no secret that the SyFy Channel is responsible for some of the greatest art of the last decade with its glorious SyFy Originals series of movies so bad they’re not even B-Movies. Really, you’d have to devise a new form of alphabet before you could capture how low of a letter that they sink to. And while every iteration on tacking a shark’s head onto some other creature is glorious in its own way, isn’t it time for some real originals? And by original I mean swiped wholesale from Dungeons and Dragons, which has entire three hundred page books full of nothing but a monster per page. Thus, we have the top ten Dungeons and Dragons monsters that should be adapted by SyFy Originals. TK has already promised to real time review all of these if they are made.*
Also, I know that many of these are adapted (whether by name or not) from actual mythological creatures. But we’re square in Monster Manual context here.
1. Chain Devils. These guys are like Pinhead’s bodyguards. They’re demons who don’t wear clothes, but wear long wrapped coils of chains instead. And then they throw the chains, and they embed in your flesh. And then it’s nothing but “Jesus wept” and “such sights to show you”.
2. Drider. You know the concept of a centaur? Well swap the horse part out with a spider instead.
3. Kobold. They’re like gremlins. Except with swords. And obscene brains designed for nothing but vicious traps and guerilla warfare. Have a troop of these guys go full Ewok on a platoon trapped behind enemy lines.
4. Mimic. It looks like a treasure chest (and is thus tempting). Instead, when someone opens it to steal the gold, the chest itself eats them. It’s like the Satanic version of a CS Lewis wardrobe. I’m cool with a movie that involves one of these eating an entire boarding school’s worth of annoying children.
5. Mind Flayer. Picture a purple guy with tentacles where his mouth should be. Now picture those tentacles wrapping around your face and sucking your brain out through your skull. Now that’s date night! Plus if they don’t feel peckish, they can just control your brain and make you go kill your friends instead. So, bonus fun.
6. Owlbear. Exactly what it sounds like. A bear with an owl’s head and feathers on its arms. I cannot believe this was invented except by pairing random animals together, and yet it is one freaky creature. Maybe set one of these up to fight Sharktopus and call it a night?
7. Phase Spider. Spiders are bad right? You see one in your house, and then you can’t sleep because you keep feeling like something is running up your leg under the sheets, right? How about a six foot long spider that can teleport through walls? That’ll end well.
8. Vargouille. This is a crown jewel. Picture a disembodied head. With bat wings sprouting from the sides of the skull. It relentlessly hunts you only to abandon you after one good bite. The punchline? It just impregnated you and within a day your head sprouts wings and rips itself free from your neck.
9. Skull spider. I’m sensing a theme here. Picture a skull with spider legs. Then pretend that you didn’t hear that skittering sound on the tile in the bathroom.
*Note: this statement is what is known in professional journalism as a ‘lie’.