10. Matt Damon When He Loses To Michael Douglas
Oh and it will be glorious. It’s not really fair that these two men are nominated in the same category (Best Actor in a Mini-series or TV movie) for the same flick. It’s almost impossible to choose which was more fabulous.
But Douglas, as the true lead, has the edge. Damon’s b*tchface will have to communicate something along the lines of “I put on genuinely tiny knickers for this?!!?”
9. Bradley Cooper When He Loses Best Supporting Actor To Jared Leto
Coop had to keep the grin frozen in place last year when he watched his co-star pick up the Best Actress award and he lost out to Daniel Day Lewis and that stovepipe hat. Of course, if you’re going to lose to anyone, it may as well be that stovepipe hat. This year was supposed to belong to Coop, though. He put his hair in a million tiny rollers! But drag, dramatic weight loss and death are a hard combination to beat and I’m afraid it’s going to be Leto sashaying his way on-stage this Sunday.
8. Taylor Swift When She Loses To That Stunner From Frozen
This is what Swifty looked like last year when she lost to the goddess Adele. So when she loses to ordinary smug marrieds like the Lopezes? Ohhhh, the face it will scrunch.
7. Amy Poehler When She Loses To, Oh, Anyone
Oh it’ll be fun b*tchface, rest assured. It’ll be mockface. But when Poehler loses, as she always does, to whomever else (Dunham? Deschanel? It doesn’t matter.), get ready to drink.
6. David O. Russell When He Loses To Spike Jonze
This was David O. Russell’s reaction when Jennifer Lawrence lost the BAFTA last year. It was delicious. When he loses the screenwriting award to Jonze and his vastly superior and imaginative Her, the b*tchflag will fly.
5. Hayden Panettiere When She Loses To Monica Potter
Cancer plot lines are a b*tch, and so is Juliette. Hayden actually seems pretty chill and Juliette is, weirdly, the best part of Nashville, but how do you top cancer? You can’t.
4. Rob Lowe When He Loses To Aaron Paul
Uh, you may not be able to tell. But, trust us, that’s a b*tchface, b*tch.
3. Armond White When Steve McQueen Wins
This is a bit of insider baseball, but if you haven’t caught up on the controversy surrounding one of the internet’s most famous trolls and the director of 12 Years A Slave, I suggest you catch up before Sunday.
2. Leo DiCapz When He Loses Best Actor To Bruce Dern
Between The Great Gatsby and The Wolf Of Wall Street, DiCaprio was meant to be a lock for Best Actor this year. Finally! His year! (Were it not for his win for The Aviator in 2005, he’d be the Susan Lucci of The Golden Globes.) But given the tepid reaction to Gatsby, the misguided backlash surrounding The Wolf Of Wall Street , and this deeply unfortunate pro-Belfort ad DiCaprio shot, his chances are looking rather grim.
But don’t worry, DiCaprio has plans to drink through the whole night anyway. Cheers, Old Sport.