Jerry Bruckheimer’s talking guinea pig movie, G-Force opens this weekend, featuring the voice stylings of Tracy Morgan, Steve Buscemi, Nic Cage, Will Arnett, Sam Rockwell, Bill Nighy, Zach Galifianakis, and Jon Favreau. And according to Favreau’s six-year-old daughter, G-Force is the best movie of all time. But there’s a reason I don’t take movie recommendations from six year olds — their brains are still soft, and when it comes to talking animals, they’re in the tank. It seems, the more obnoxious the talking animal is, the more preadolescents like them. I think all the Captain Crunch and Oreos gets stuck in between the folds of their brain, and talking animals elicit some sort of Pavlovian nicotine high. It’s why little kids eat the contents of their nostrils — it’s the only way to simulate the high of a talking animal movie.
Put aside Babe the talking pig and, maybe, Charlotte the spider, and live-action talking animal movies, for the most part, are like 90-minute time-outs for adults, an extended punishment for all that Ferberizing you put your children through, not to mention Gerber’s sweet potato puree, which is the equivalent of putting your head in a bowl of wet puppy dog food and asking you to eat your way out. You know why we stop feeding baby’s Gerber food before they can talk? Because no parent wants to be cursed out by an 18-month old. “No. Fuck you. You eat it.”
And you know what’s worse? Try showing your child Charlotte’s Web and then offering him or her a pork chop afterwards. Good luck. The talking animal movie industry is turning all our children into vegetarians and communists (see Animal Farm). The same thing happened in my house when we showed our two-year-old Leprechaun — now he won’t eat Leprechauns anymore! He’s also terrified of rainbows and gold coins (note, also, that he refuses to sleep anywhere else but underneath the dining room table).
Anyway, here’s a look at the five talking animals I’d get an immense pleasure out of kicking down a flight of stairs. Preferably concrete. And preferably leading to a shallow body of water.
5. Garfield the Cat
4. Beary Barrington
3. Alvin the Chipmunk
2. Gooby the What the Fuck?
1. The Beverly Hills Chihuahua