Rich Assholes Are Spending $275 On Insect-Encrusted Drinking Straws, And I Want to Die

By Rebecca Pahle | Lists | June 30, 2015 |

By Rebecca Pahle | Lists | June 30, 2015 |

This isn’t the sort of post I normally write, but bear with me. I recently became aware of the fact that Tiffany & Co. sells some God damned harbinger of the Apocalypse called the “Four Ants Straw.” It is a—a, singular—sterling silver straw with four little ants on it. It retails for $275. For a straw.

I know, I know. Rich people buy expensive shit. At Tiffany, no less! But for some reason, I saw this straw, and it just about broke my fucking brain. I had to go down the rabbit hole and see what other bonkers shit the 1% is dropping, in many cases, a pretty damn sizable percentage of my rent on. There’s:

A “Elsa Peretti® Padova™ Bubble Blower” for $150, the same amount it would cost to buy 42.85 sealed VHS copies of Indepence Day.

An $800 ladle (engraving available). Friends, you could buy just over 97 Jeff Goldblum pillowcases with that!

A God damned $500 vuvuzela. Oh, I’m sorry, a $500 “party horn.” Not much of a party when you don’t have approximately nine and a third Jeff Goldbum cardboard standees (adjusted for the AUD-USD exchange rate) on the guest list, hmmmm?

The bane of my existence, for a combined total of $1,375 you can own Tiffany’s entire “No, no, motherfucker NO” straw line: butterfly, ladybug, dragonfly, ants, and monkey. Most people don’t own a single Sexy Jeff Tee, and yet you can buy 23 of them with that amount of money and still have enough left over for multiple pairs of Jeff Goldblum earrings (“stud” indeed) to wear yourself and give to friends, family, and pets.

The person who owns this Elsa Peretti water pitcher is so mind-bogglingly wealthy that they can spend $5,700 on a container to hold liquid. But they could have spent that money on enough Jurassic Park peg doll sets to fill an entire room in an overpriced Williamsburg apartment, so who’s the schmuck now?

Who the fuck is spending $165 on a pizza cutter? Someone who doesn’t have enough class to hang eleven 8x10 prints of Ian Malcolm: From Chaos on their ceiling so they can gaze upon them as they go to sleep, that’s who.

I don’t even know what a “porringer” is, but I do know what someone who would spend $945 on one instead of buying 171.81 Jeff Goldblum Adjustable Lighters is: A sterling silver dick.