As we get ready for tonight’s Golden Globes, there are a few requests we’d like to make. They don’t really have anything to do with who or what wins the awards because let’s be honest, none of this year’s nominations are very exciting, are they? Is there anything up for an award that you’ll be THAT excited/devastated over? It’s probably best just to get in and get out of this whole night as quickly as possible, but here are some suggestions to make the show a little more entertaining.
10. As much Tina and Amy as possible. Ideally, this show would just be three hours of them and nothing else, but we’re keeping this wish list realistic. So Golden Globes producers, however much Tina/Amy time you have planned, double it, please.
9. Stoned Sarah Silverman makes an appearance.
8. Ricky Gervais says something that makes at least 70% of the people in the room uncomfortable. This one’s a gimme, right?
7. J.K. Simmons says words. Simmons is favored by many to win for Whiplash, and while I’m pretty firmly on Team Keaton, I’d be happy to see Simmons win, if only for a terrifying acceptance speech.
6. Cloons keeps his Cecil B. DeMille award speech brief. There’s no way this isn’t going to veer political, but this is the Golden Globes, not the UN. This is basically the drunk second cousin of the Oscars. Save yourself the effort, George.
5. That possible leak of Best Picture winners was wrong. Or half wrong. Yes, Into the Woods will probably beat Birdman, but I’m holding out hope until the actual moment of confirmed disappointment.
4. Someone realizes they’ve made a huge mistake and invents a “Sorry We Forgot You” award for Orphan Black. Celebratory dance party ensues.
3. Jon Hamm drunkenly demands his own Sorry We Forgot You statue.
2. Kate Hudson botches someone’s name. Of all the presenters, she seems the frontrunner to get tipsy and mispronounce Oyelowo. Maybe equal odds on Channing Tatum.
1. This horrifying drone craps out and comes down during the red carpet.