I know, I know, it’s a little f*cked up to involve ourselves overmuch in the personal lives of actors. It’s none of our business who the lovely Amy Poehler decides to date. Furthermore, if she doesn’t want to date, snog or hold hands with anyone for now, that’s jim dandy too. But the truth of the matter is that the girl is a catch. Not just pretty, smart and funny but, if all of her public appearances are to be believed, just a goddamn delight to be around. So all I’m saying is that I want the best for her and, as such, a had a little fun playing Hollywood matchmaker. Here are the rules of Hollywood matchmaking as far as I’m concerned: If I don’t know much about your wife, I choose to pretend she doesn’t exist. Pursuant to this rule, Nick Offerman is off the table, but Adam Scott is not. Also, if I don’t know for sure you’re gay then, for my purposes, you’re not. Make sense? Sure it does. Here we go:
Louie CK: Most folks came out of the Emmys shipping Poehler and CK pretty hard. This is based not just on their brief onstage appearance together but also, of course, on CK’s adorable turn as Sergeant Dave Sanderson on “Parks and Recreation.” I’m not hugely on board with this idea mostly because I was never a fan of the way CK talked about his ex-wife during his routines before she was his ex. That being said, I would love for Poehler to return the favor and guest-star on “Louie.” Maybe there can at least be a fictional happy ending there.
Adam Scott: Poehler has also, weirdly, been linked to her “Parks and Recs” co-star Adam Scott. Given that most of you seem to think these two have no on-screen chemistry, I doubt you’re rooting for the two in real life. But me? Well I’m always pro-hedgehog.
Seth Meyers: But Poehler has on-screen chemistry to spare with her former co-anchor, Seth Meyers. Really? You don’t think these two would be cute together? REALLY?!
One Of The Matts from UCB: Amy got her start working with these three chaps in the Upright Citizen’s Brigade. The four have remained close friends and no offense to the guy who’s not named Matt (aka Sparky Polastri from Bring It On) but I’d be happy to see Amy with either Matt Besser or Matt Walsh.
That Other Duplass Brother: There is a long, glorious history of actresses finding a happy ending with directors. And since The Duplass Brother in front of the camera is off the market (married to Katie Aselton…see The Offerman Contingency), I submit The Duplass Brother behind the camera as a nice consolation prize. Yup, the beard-o. Hey, listen, Frances McDormand has been happily married to Coen brother for a million years now. It could work.
Joel McHale: Fine, is the beard-o not handsome enough for you? Then may I submit the ab-tacular Joel McHale. I’m sorry, what about his wife? I couldn’t hear you. Wouldn’t the pint-sized Poehler and McHale make a delightfully mismatched couple?
The Cast Of “Horrible Bosses”: Any of these guys, really. Okay probably not Sudeikis. Not after that whole January Jones thing. But, hey, Charlie Day! Oooo, or better yet, Jason Bateman. It’s not like Bateman has any problem with stealing Arnett’s girl, hermano.
Justin Kirk: Kirk is very much in the might maybe be gay category, but I love this guy. Just a tall drink of charming.
James Marsden: Finally, this would be my #1 pick. Marsden, recently divorced, is just the right amount of handsome to send a clear “I win” message in this break-up. Also, he’s much more adorable and hilarious than he has any right to be. And, most importantly, he’s available for snuggly Gap ads, should Amy need him.
Joanna Robinson is, if you haven’t noticed, firmly Team Amy.