Tonight we eschew beefcake, ignore obliques and turn our collective noses up at the chiseled pretty boys who often dominate the discourse around here. Now, before you start shouting in the comments section, I’m not, for the record, calling any of the fellows on this list ugly. Far from it. I will, however, honestly say that if I saw them on the street I would, as the song instructs, just walk on by. They’re unremarkable. They’re ordinary. They’re your friends and neighbors. But oh, my dears, beauty isn’t just skin deep. This you know. And even in the uber superficial world of television, there are some average looking dudes so funny, so charming, so full of swagger that they win you over completely. So here’s my list of “normal dudes” who can get it.* Feel free to let me know which Average Joe I missed.
Charlie Day—“It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia”: There are certainly better looking dudes on this show. And then, well, there’s DeVito. But no one, I mean no one, holds a comedic candle to Day. With his high-pitched sandpaper voice and perpetually scruffy face, Day steals every scene he’s in. Recently, he’s brought his act to the big screen overshadowing pretty boys like Jason Bateman. Long may he reign.
David Eigenberg—“Sex And The City”: Eigenberg’s Steve and the glory days of “Sex And The City” are long gone, but if you ask the girls I know who the dreamiest dude on HBO’s sausage party was, they’ll all respond “Steve.” That’s right Chris Noth, John Corbett, Timothy Olyphant, David Duchovny, Blair Underwood and Bradley Cooper couldn’t hold a candle to the short bartender with a mild speech impediment and the heart of gold.
Jeremy Davies—“Lost”/”Justified”: While Davies laid the foundation with years of film work including Saving Private Ryan, Secretary and (shudder) Spanking The Monkey, it wasn’t until he played the brain damaged genius Daniel Faraday on “Lost” that most people sat up and took notice. And in the last two seasons of “Justified” he’s played his character of Dickie Bennet with such frantic, disheveled, weasely charm that I find I look forward to him more than I do Raylan. That’s right, Olyphant, outmatched again.
Ben Schwartz—“Parks & Recreation”/”House Of Lies”: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the world could use more Jean Ralphio. But, until that day comes, I’ll content myself with Schwartz’s entertaining turn on Showtime’s “House Of Lies.” No it was not, in fact, the tight *sses of both Don Cheadle and Kristen Bell that drew me to this depraved cable comedy. It was Schwartz’s swagger.
Martin Starr—“Freaks And Geeks”/”Party Down”: Despite the fact that Starr has acted alongside such pretty boys as Adam Scott (shut up, he is) and James Franco, he has always stood out to me. Helplessly dorky and hilarious on “Freaks and Geeks” and relentlessly blunt and hilarious on “Party Down,” he’s an actor I would follow anywhere.
Ian Gomez—“Cougartown”: Truth be told, I always had a bit of a crush on Gomez’s flamboyantly gay character on “Felicity.” Now that he’s playing straight on “Cougartown,” I just can’t get enough of him. He’s the perfect TV husband.
Jemaine Clement and Bret McKenzie—“The Flight Of The Conchords”: Bret you’ve got it going on…Jemaine you too. This oddly matched pair won my heart with their clever lyrics and dry as toast delivery. And while their schtick eventually wore thin, we’ll always have le discotheque. Foux Da Fa Foxy.
Nick Kroll—“The League”: As the dickish, intolerable Ruxin, Nick Kroll has literally made me cry with laughter. He brought the same caliber of comedy to the countless guest appearances he tackled this year. He can get it. Any day of the week.
Seth Green—“Buffy The Vampire Slayer”: This may be a controversial choice but I ask you, children of the 90s, to take a step back and view Seth through a more objective lens. He’s a slightly funny looking kid, he is. But his charm and comedic timing, especially as Oz on “BtVS,” made him a bonafide heartthrob. All the shirtless James Marsters in the world couldn’t fill the whole Green made when he left the show. It was never the same without him.
Jorge Garcia—“Lost”: Oh, sure, you may want to bone Jack (why?), tussle with Sawyer, or make Desmond your constant, but everyone knows that Hurley was the best damn guy on the whole island.
Danny Pudi—“Community”: I know we spill a lot of ink talking about Donald Glover and Joel McHale and, of course, Annie’s Boobs. But the most attractive Greendale student, to me, is Abed. We’ve all seen glimmers of what kind of smolder Pudi is capable of, when he’s role-playing a hero, but even in his regular strange, Asbergery demeanor, Pudi is the sexiest string bean there is.
Jesse Plemons— “Friday Night Lights”: Coach Taylor? Yes. Big Tim Riggins, Vince Howard and Matty Saracen? Sure. But I would brush past all of them to get to Landry Clark. Plemons with his self-effacing Southern charm, sardonic asides and melty Matt Damon face won me over. Completely.
Aziz Ansari—“Parks & Recreation”: There’s a lot of hue and cry over the recent romantic developments on “Parks & Recreation.” Ann Perkins? Really? Well shut the f*ck up. Aziz is amazing and Tommy Haverford is a close second. Ann and her pretty hair and bland personality would be lucky to land him. So go ahead, Ann. Treat yoself.