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Locking All the Insanity in a Single Room: Lumping the Most Explosive Character Types Together

By Alexander Joenks | Lists | April 3, 2013 |

By Alexander Joenks | Lists | April 3, 2013 |

You are warned up front that is a list of lists. There is nested structure going on up in here. The idea is that some characters in different television shows have very similar characteristics. This should not be shocking. Some of you are undoubtedly yelling, “they’re called archetypes you ignorant twat,” and that would be relatively fair. What this list of lists is for is identifying not just the similarities of character, but the characters who are similar in such ways that when combined together, their properties exponentially magnify. Most similar characters from disparate shows tossed together would just be duplicates of each other, contributing nothing more than each individual brings on their own.

And really, the casts of characters are supposed to be complimentary to a degree. They’re supposed to bring different qualities to the table, fulfilling different roles. But some roles are so magnificent that if you toss complimentarity right out the window and just pile together similar individuals, it’s like dynamite.

Think of it this way, if you tape two calculators together, you really can’t calculate twice as fast. But if you tape two grenades together, you get twice the splodey. This is the list of grenade types.

The Wildcard. This group might just manage to kill each other within ten minutes, mostly accidentally. But if you set this group of unhinged individuals onto a single task … they’d still end up dead but it would be memorable. Charlie (“Always Sunny”), Nick (“New Girl”), Max (“Happy Endings”), Taco (“The League”).


The Suit. Some men were just born to suit up. I’m pretty sure that it’s clear that Barney lives in Archer’s apartment, and that Schmidt’s original character description was just “Barney Stinson”. I could point out that these three hitting the town together would be legendary, but that would be too obvious to bother stating. Barney (“How I Met Your Mother”), Schmidt (“New Girl”), Archer (“Archer”).


The Anchor. Some people are born to drag everyone else down. If these three were combined together in one room they would crush the will to live out of every living thing within a mile, probably by doing a series of catastrophically stupid things that put everyone else in the show at risk, and alerting them with their trademarked high pitched whine. Dawn (“Buffy”), Carl (“Walking Dead”), Callie (“Battlestar Galactica”).


The Mad Scientist. By the end of any given day, these three would either literally destroy the universe, build a race of murderous sex robots, or just wake up naked and slathered in LSD-laced cough syrup. It’s really a toss-up. Walter (“Fringe”), Krieger (“Archer”), Baltar (“Battlestar Galactica”).


The Zeppo. Television shows often like to hold up a character who is portrayed as the least competent, obviously least likely to ever have sex, stammering loser with no self confidence. That individual is almost inevitably secretly the most competent bad ass that the show has ever produced, and to drive the point home, usually manages to sleep with just about every female character on the show, plus half the guest stars. Put together, these characters would manage to satisfy the entire female population of North America, save the world repeatedly, and do so in such a way that no one else ever even knows that they exist. Xander (“Buffy”), George (“Grey’s Anatomy”), Cyril (“Archer”)