Kiss Him With Tongue! 16 Movies We Wish Were A Little Gayer
No, no, this is not an excuse to make a bunch of gay jokes. I actually and earnestly think that these movies would be better if they were a little gayer. In some instances the homosexual relationship would just make for a better narrative. In other instances the actual romantic lead is so dull or uninspiring that my desire for gayness is also a desire to write them out of the film. And sometimes the two dudes or ladies are very, very pretty and I would enjoy seeing them make lie down kisses with each other. Let me be clear, not every bromance is gay. Despite all that I Love You, Man nonsense, there is ZERO sexual tension between Paul Rudd and Jason Segel. I never once got the urge to holler, “SLAP-A HIS BASS, MAN!!” Similarly, just because two chicks hang out and love each other, that doesn’t mean they want to get it on. Bridesmaids is a great example of non-sexy female camaraderie. So, that being said, here are 16 Movies We Wish Were A Little Gayer.
Inception: This is the pair that launched a thousand ‘shippers. I’m not really into Slash Fiction, though I guess that’s what this entire list sort of is. There’s a site “F*ck Yeah Arthur and Eames” which I can’t even link, it’s so creepy. Was it the Hardy’s pillow lips? The way he said, “Darling?” Arthur’s well-tailored vests? At any rate, they could have cut Ellen Page’s character entirely to give me more Arthur and Eames and I would have been pleased as punch.
Fried Green Tomatoes: This one is a bit of a no-brainer. What was explicit in the book was bowdlerized and somewhat implicit in the film. And to think, we could have been appreciating Mary Louise Parker’s explosive sexuality that much sooner.
Lord Of The Rings: Oh, Saaaaaammm. I know Tolkein’s book is meant to convey the brotherhood of men going to war together. I know this particular relationship is about how war is a class equalizer and the bonds formed in the trenches. But I also think it’s bullshit that Sam goes home to marry Rosie when Frodo is obviously his one true love. Make them gay.
Bend It Like Beckham: This wish has nothing to do with female athlete stereotypes. In fact that mistaken stereotype is played for laughs at the expense of Juliet Stevenson’s fussy mother character. I find myself wishing these two were gay for each other because rapey-eyed Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is too old to be Jess’s love interest. Too old and too rapey. Plus this is the only film I ever fancied Knightley in.
Fast Five: Oh, fellers, you know you want to. Just one kiss? Or five really fast ones? We won’t tell your bros. I’d call this movie Queer As F*ck.
Blue Crush: This is not a good movie, I’m not saying it is. It was filmed in an area of Hawaii I know quite well, and so I watch it mostly for the beach porn. That being said, if you replaced the bland, forgettable male lead and made the romantic aspect of the film between Bosworth (not skeletal yet) and Rodriguez? This movie would be infinitely better.
Good Will Hunting: HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?! In my mind, Affleck’s Chuckie is obviously in love with the Will Hunting character and as much as I enjoy the poignancy of Chuckie finding Will gone at the end of the film, Minnie Driver’s Skylar does not merit a cross-country trip or the tidy “I’ve gotta go see about a girl” line.
Romy And Michele’s High School Reunion: I mean, right?
Star Trek: Nice try with the old Uhura beard, there, JJ. Everyone knows this was a classic odd couple romance. “One of them plays it safe, the other never met a rule he couldn’t break. Watch the intergalactic sparks fly as these two boldly go where-” well, you get the picture. Speaking of pictures, I’d like a polaroid when you attempt the Kobayashi Maru position, okay guys?
Garden State: I know it’s fashionable to hate Garden State from head to toe, but I have a lot of affection for this movie and it mostly centers around Peter Sarsgaard’s Mark. Leave out Natalie Portman’s Manic Pixie Dream Grating entirely, and you’ve got a solid movie on your hands.
Thelma And Louise: As much as I love that this film empowers females without vilifying every single male (Keitel and Madsen being two completely sympathetic characters), I might love it even more if instead of grabbing hands at the end, the ladies had made out a little.
Sherlock Holmes: Do you see? Do you see how they’re like, “Rachel McWhodams?” And Watson is actually married in the next film? This won’t do, this won’t do at all.
X-Men: First Class: FOR THE GOOD OF MUTANTKIND KISS HIM ALREADY. That’s what my brain was yelling during a particular scene when Erik and Charles were close-talking and McAvoy had made his pretty eyes all puddly with tears.
Tango And Cash: Oh god I love this movie. Listen, I know I promised I wouldn’t really talk about gay stereotypes but there’s a scene (no not the cross-dressing scene) when Stallone upbraids a guy for eating pasta. Like it’s the greatest crime in the world to eat carbs. That? That’s hella gay.
Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants: Please. Really. Please. You’re telling me that in all the time these young ladies knew each other…during those formative, experimental college years. When they were, you know, CONSTANTLY TAKING OFF AND PUTTING ON PANTS, none of them considered each other? Come on, what about you, Cheerleader? Don’t you fancy What’s Her Face? Be honest, So And So, isn’t The Ugly Betty One sort of cute?
Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid: Before Brokeback Mountain made a “thing” of gay cowboys I was rooting for these two. Katherine Ross? Nothing but trouble. Look at that hip swagger, you know it to be true.
Joanna Robinson is really proud of herself for making it all the way through that and not cracking an obvious Hole-in-the-Wall gang joke. She’s feeling qui-DAMN.