In years to come, we’ll look back on May 2015 as a time when everyone lost their minds over a celebrity closing a social media account. Many assumed that @JossWhedon returned to that great drafts folder in the sky as a result of feminist critique against Avengers: Age of Ultron, a theory presented alternatively in a “grarrrgh, those evil feminists!” way or a “ding dong, the witch is dead!” way, depending on who you were talking to and their previous feelings on Whedon’s feminist bona fides. (The former camp had larger numbers, because of course it did.)
Others, however, thought it was pretty fucking shitty to ascribe motivation to a complete stranger, so maybe everyone should calm the hell down and see if Joss Whedon decides to explain why he quit Twitter, hmmmm? Which is exactly what he did, telling Buzzfeed that the claim that he he was chased off Twitter by feminists is “horseshit.” Instead, Twitter is a massive, unproductive timesuck, and he doesn’t particularly like constantly being told he sucks, no matter who’s doing it, which is a pretty understandable thing.
But, because the business of the Internet is to know people better than they know themselves, if you read between the lines of his BuzzFeed interview it’s obvious that he’s being held captive by feminists who are threatening to kneecap him. Just say what they want you to, Joss! Feminists are scary. No pizza delivery app can save you now.
I mean, just look at our track record. We feminists are responsible for such heinous atrocities as:
1) That time you told a broad to smile and she did not smile.
2) The disappearance of the Lindbergh baby.
3) The fact that we have not yet established colonies on Mars.
4) That time you struck up a conversation with a woman on the subway, but for some reason she didn’t want to talk to you—you’re a nice guy!—and long story shot the cops are hunting you down because you just happened to slash at her arm for, like, a split second. What were you supposed to do, dude? She laughed at you!
5) The death of every single one of your childhood pets.
6) Jar Jar Binks.
7) Fake geek girls who say they like Batman but still won’t date you.
8) The continuing film career of Adam Sandler.
9) The continuing film career of Kevin James.
11) The fact that you are not talking to Tommy Wiseau right now.
12) That time you asked a girl to the prom in your junior year and she quite politely explained that, nothing against you, but she actually didn’t want to go to the prom that year, so instead of doing something a reasonable person would do like ask her to a movie instead, you were compelled to go against your nice bro demeanor and call her a “cold, heartless bitch.” (No, no grudge here. Jackass. You know who you are.)
13) The Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire. Why did women have to make so many damn shirts?!
14) The toxic culture of misogyny that we’re forced to live in every day of our lives. That’s right, feminazis—that one’s on you, too!
15) Undercooked beef.
16) Crash winning Best Picture at the Oscars.
17) The cancellation of Firefly.
It’s a wide variety, I know, but that’s the lesson here: Everything bad in the world is caused by feminism. Wait. No. Everything bad in the world not already caused by the little boy from Little Boy is caused by feminism.