Taylor Kitsch has a new film coming out next March, but it’s never too early to begin promoting the film. At one point, the movie — which is directed by Andrew Stanton (Wall-E, Finding Nemo) — was called John Carter of Mars. Now it’s simply called John Carter, so as not to give anyone the impression that Kitsch is from another planet. Although, those abs have be to alien, right? The movie — inspired the work of Edgar Rice Burroughs — is about a war-weary military captain (Kitsch) who is inexplicably transported to Mars where he becomes reluctantly embroiled in a conflict of epic proportions amongst the inhabitants of the planet, including Tars Tarkas (Willem Dafoe) and the captivating Princess Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins).
Bryan Cranston also stars, and with Stanton on board, I have plenty of optimism.
The new movie poster, however, doesn’t do much to bolster that optimism. It’s mediocre, and the Internet is rife with much better shots of Kitsch’s abs. There is something in the man’s eyes, though. Kitsch’s acting talents are iffy, at best. Always have been (it’s hard to tell when his shirt is off). He’s best when he doesn’t speak (see X-Men Origins: Wolverine, The Bang Bang Club), but he is capable of acting with brilliantly his eyes. In the movie poster, his eyes suggest a certain menace, as though he’s thinking, “Do not make me turn completely around. The Disney brand cannot withstand this much sex appeal.”
In the spirit of that John Carter movie poster, I scanned the Internet and found several other photos of the “Friday Night Lights’” star. Based on the look in Taylor Kitsch’s eyes, I tried to decipher what he was thinking in each:
I Just F*cked Your Daughter. What Are You Going to Do About It?
If I Stare Long Enough, I Can Melt the Underwire in Your Brassiere
I Borrowed This Look from Marky Mark. Say Hi to Your Mother. I Know I Just Did
I Can See Into Your Soul, and I Just Removed Your Soul’s Panties
I Could Bring the Midriff Style Back for Men
I’d Murder You, But In Doing So, I Might Misplace My Perfectly Tousled Wet Hair
Come On In, The Water’s Fine. And No: I Don’t Mean the Ocean
I Unbuttoned My Shirt For You Before I Smoked that Bowl. You’re Welcome