By Skittimus Maximus | Lists | October 31, 2012 |
By Skittimus Maximus | Lists | October 31, 2012 |
WHEN THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN TAKE OVER, YOU’LL BE ALLOWED TO LIVE…
01. Baby Ruths — Right after he rips the chains from the wall and grabs the candy bar, the camera cuts to a tight shot of Chunk, who says “Geez mister, you’re even hungrier than I am.” FUN FACT: Richard Donner has an outtake where the camera is kept on Sloth as he rises from his chair, revealing a giant, misshapen erection. Originally, Donner intended to use John Matuszak’s actual penis in the shot, but the effects/makeup department hit upon a stroke of genius when they simply airbrushed a king-sized Baby Ruth in bruised flesh tones. Fuck yes, it’s true — why would I lie to you this early in the list?
02. Swedish Fish — Other than ABBA and the Muppet with the speech impediment, I don’t know shit about Sweden. But I do know that on more than one occasion, I’ve slogged through some of my worst hangovers armed with nothing but ice water, Tums, and a giant goddam bag of Swedish fish. I’m not too sure how to tie that last sentence back into Halloween, but if your kids wind up coming home drunk wearing a different costume than the one you sent them out in, you’ve got bigger issues to concern yourself with than an alcoholic’s opinion on lingonberry-flavored fish.
03. Godiva 16 Piece Dark Chocolate Assortment — Just kidding. I mean, yeah — this’d be great, but the only way you’re walking away with a box of these in your bag is if you’re trick-or-treating in an upper echelon Romneyhood or you’ve been banging the person who’s opening the door.
04. Ghost Dots — The first time I wrote one of these lists, I made mention of Dots being the only candy I’ve eaten that’s both delicious and dangerous (for reals — jam a fistful in your mouth and try to chew your way through the panic of labored breathing). Far as I can tell, they taste the same as regular Dots, but from what I gather on the packaging, these gummy bitches’ll light up your insides. And because I’m a grown-ass adult who can do what he wants, I’m eating a box for dinner in hopes of making some test-poops later with the lights out.
05. Pomegranate Tootsie Pops — Say I hadn’t cut town and moved four states away when I got that horrid girl at the A&W preggers. And say I had done the responsible thing and taught my beloved offspring to brew a special kind of contempt for adults who handed out anything Tootsie-related on the bestest holiday since Mary plopped her weary ass down on a hay bale and squarshed out a slippery Jesus. This past month, I would’ve had to have a heart-to-heart talk with young Skittimus (or Skittimissus), explaining that the only exception to the rule comes with the new flavor Tootsie introduced in September. However, I’m fairly certain my seed is toxic and the above-mentioned offspring would be in his/her early twenties and well past the point of listening to anything I had to say anyhow …
YOU AND YOUR LUMPY LINUS HEAD CAN GO PUMP KIN …
01. Quaker Chewy Fright Night Chocolate Chip Granola Bars with Candy Pieces — Really? Adding candy to a fucking granola bar and trying to pass it off as a Halloween treat is about as insulting to one’s intelligence as me slapping Señor Wences’ Johnny on my hand and trying to convince you I’m about to get a hummer.
02. Banana Tootsie Pops — Another one of the new flavors Tootsie rolled out this Fall. Predictably, as history has proven time-and-time again, “banana-flavored” is synonymous with “failure.” If bananas had assholes, this is what they’d taste like. Bananassholes.
03. Mary Jane Peanut Butter Kisses — I wanted to include these in the past, but up until now I never knew what they were called. These are those gloppy globs of expired peanut butter that come twisted in the orange and black wrappers. You know the ones — you can get a forty pound bag of the fucking things for under a dollar. They were originally introduced by the Charles N. Miller Candy Company in 1914. Sixty billion of them were made that year and after the last one rolled off the assembly line, the doors were promptly locked from the outside and both the company and employees within were set on fire for having introduced such an abomination upon the confectionary world. If you put your ear real close to an open bag, you can almost hear the screams.
04. Nik-L-Nips — The official name of those small wax bottles filled with flavored syrup. Technically, they’re not all that bad, but… Well, when you toss the current youth trend of butt-chugging into the mix, these things have the potential to cause a waxy anal plug epidemic among the preteen crowd.
05. Werther’s — No. This is just… no. Look, I’m not saying they’re bad, but they certainly have no place in children’s Halloween bags. Werther’s are meant to be found in the hidden pockets of thrift-store purses and discarded corduroy jackets that smell faintly of medicine. Werther’s doesn’t dabble in the business of petty enjoyment; a Werther’s Original Hard Candy is, at best, a flavorful distraction right after you get off the phone with your wife who’s just informed you she’s no longer interested in “making things work.” Werther’s are best suited for staring into dull, gray October skies, while racing thoughts of impending divorce dance behind tired, tear-reddened eyes.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN! DROWN YOUR BITTER DISAPPOINTMENT IN GOOEY NOUGAT!