Well, Halloween has been largely ruined already this year, hasn’t it? That damn hurricane/post-tropical storm isn’t over yet, but it’s already “lights out” for several million people in the United States, which is not to mention all of the damage from flooding, winds, and heavy snow. So it makes sense if you haven’t really thought too much about your costume this year, but if you’re one of the lucky ones who can venture out for a party tonight, here are some last-minute ideas that are super easy to
fake pull together if all you’re looking for is a good hatef*ck. Remember, these costumes are mostly about attitude and a few well-placed props, and they are all super lame. Let’s do this:
Betty Draper of “Mad Men”: Carry a cigarette, wear something retro, and carry a baby doll that will constantly be labelled “fat” throughout the evening. Remember, your people are Nordic.
Winona Hawkins of “Justified”: Roll your eyes at the most impossibly handsome man in the room. Then strap on the tiniest baby bump and act like you want the guy to quit his calling to be an ice cream man.
The Bear Jew of Inglourious Basterds: This one is kind of cheating because Eli Roth (who probably wouldn’t mind being anyone’s hatefuck) has already put together his own costume guide, but let’s face it, all you really need are some suspenders, a baseball bat, and a very exaggerated Boston accent.
The Cable Guy of Cable Guy: Grab a blue jumpsuit, stuff some pliers and random wires into a bag, and practice the hell out of your underbite.
Derek Zoolander of Zoolander: All you really need here is a whole lot of strategically applied hair gel and the perfect duckface.
Bella Swan of Twilight: Bite your lips a lot, wear a ratty old sweater, and act like you smell a fart all the time. Once you get a man on your arm, NEVER let him go.
Bradley Cooper from The Hangover Movies: Got an extra emu costume lying around? Because that would totally work here.
Sharpay of the High School Musical Trilogy: This costume is potentially icky because, you know, this character is still a teenager, but the actress (Ashley Tisdale) isn’t, so let’s go with it. All you need is a blonde wig, lots of pink, and a gay brother/boyfriend on your arm.
Bobby Boucher of The Waterboy: Carry around a bucket of water, randomly tackle people, and rant about your medulla oblongata.
Janice from “Friends”: All one really needs for this costume is big hair, fake red nails, and an annoying, “OH. MY. GAWD.”
Shia LaBeouf in nearly any Shia LaBeouf movie: This one is so easy. Just wear hipster street clothes and run around yelling, “No, no, no, no!”
Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at Celebitchy.