Dear Celebrity Friends,
I call you “celebrities” because these days, being an actor is more than just being an actor. You can’t simply practice your craft any longer, or be defined only as “thespian.” You have to give the audience a persona onto which we can latch and a style we can either ridicule or try to emulate and, we especially like it if you can find a famous partner to parade around during all the dog and pony shows. I call you “friends” because in a very strange way (probably unpleasant to you), we are friends. It doesn’t matter whether we like you or not; we like to read all the stuff about you, look at pictures of you, get “the facts” on you and discuss you with our other friends. Sometimes, depending on your public (or, used to be private, but due to technological advances, now public) behaviors, your choices of partner(s) and/or the swapping of said partners and funny pictures or videos we see, we make what I like to call “non-judgmental judgements” based on those things. We’re no shrinks—most of us—but we have seen people like you come and go, so we have learned what to expect of our celebrity friends. But don’t take it too personally; it’s not like anyone’s going to put you away or anything. It’s only us! Your friends. We’re just observing. (Everything.) No worries.
Some of you, we have noticed, seem a little “looney tunes.” The good news is that we have separated you out from the celebrities who are primarily drunks and druggies—people who have substance abuse problems are likely not really crazy—it’s the stuff. But you select few, we think you might be “the real deal.” And you know how “they” say something or other about the line between genius and insanity is super skinny or undefinable?” You can probably take your appearance on this list as a compliment; in fact, I suggest you do. There’s no need to get a lawyer or feel depressed, trust me. Just look at this as another notch on your “celebrity belt” and keep on keeping on. We’re diggin’ your scene, if you know what I mean.
Sincerely and truly in friendship,
5. Larry David
Evidence Stuff We’ve Noticed: No one believes, not for one second, that Larry David the television guy is any different from Larry David the celebrity guy. Clearly, you are who you are and the idea that TV Larry is the fictionalized version of yourself is crazy. Your shtick is based on you and the things you do and say on “Curb Your Enthusiasm” are just your way of letting out your true self in a somewhat socially acceptable way. We’re your friends, Larry, but we’re not stupid.
4. Juliette Lewis
Evidence Stuff We’ve Noticed: Nothing really; we’ve just seen you on television and heard you speak. You seem a little nutso.
3. Joaquin Phoenix
Evidence Stuff We’ve Noticed: So you “pretended” to quit acting, “pretended” to be an ass on Letterman’s show, made a terrible fake documentary wherein you “pretended” to do drugs and “pretended” to be a really bad hip hop “artist.” You might want to stop “pretending” to be a nutcase.
2. Billy Bob Thornton
Evidence Stuff We’ve Noticed: That whole career change from actor to musician thing, where you got pissed off at interviewers who weren’t taking you seriously and dared to speak of your acting? That. That whole thing where you and Angelina (don’t think she wasn’t close to making this list) wore vials of blood on necklaces? That. That whole thing where you’re afraid of silverware? That.
1. Mel Gibson
Evidence Stuff We’ve Noticed: Everything. All of it. You seem to be afraid of anyone and everyone who isn’t exactly like you—not a man, not Catholic, not heterosexual, not a conspiracy theorist, not you. We can only imagine that living in such fear of the world at large has eaten up the sane parts of your mind; perhaps you should consider joining Honorably Mentioned Celebrity, Tom Cruise, on one of the planets in Xenu’s Galactic Confederacy.
Cindy Davis may be a little “touched,” herself.