Have you by any chance seen the trailer for Blackhat, where World’s Sexist Man Chris Hemsworth plays the World’s Sexist Hacker? If not, here, I have it for you. Barf bags at the ready:
Where to start with this trailer? Well, OK, let’s start with “the movie looks bad.” That’ll do, pig. That’ll do. Then there’s the whole LIVES INTERCONNECTED WE ARE ALL VULNERABLE THE INTERWEBZ ARE COMING TO KILL US vibe. Which, yeah, there’s been a general increase in awareness as to how technology can fuck us over in both big and small ways: drone strikes, the NSA, Celebgate, this. But the “ZOMG HACKING!” vibe is, like, so mid-’90s The Net.
And then there’s beefcake Chris Hemsworth as a badass MIT alum hacker who does badass upside-down pushups in his badass prison cell and makes badass deals with the police because he’s just so fucking badass all the time, sweet Christ, badass out the pores. And… look. Is it a negative stereotype that all hackers are Cheetos-eating, Mountain Dew-swilling nerdbros? Absolutely! All types of people can be hackers! There’s nothing to say a guy of the build and demeanor of Hemsworth’s character couldn’t have been to all the LAN parties. But… I don’t know. Hollywood is trying to sell me this Chris Hemsworth as a badass hacker thing, and I am just not buying it.
While we’re making weird casting decisions regarding one of the world’s least sexy professions (Swordfish lied to all of us), might I make some Blackhat 2 suggestions?
Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire
Chris Evans’ butt
Dame Julie Andrews
Zac Efron dancing across a golf course
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
Steve Buscemi in Airheads
The Green Power Ranger
Meryl Streep, exactly as she appears in this gif
Giselle from Enchanted
Drunk Emma Thompson
Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez
All the chickens in Chicken Run