We pride ourselves here at Pajiba in having a certain frivolous nature — we prefer not to get involved with the the more serious-minded or contentious issues in both the film and television industry and beyond. Topics of great significance or grave importance are better dealt with by those with more experience. Joe Scarborough or Greta Van Susteren are two names that come to mind — hard-hitting reporters who aren’t afraid of getting a little mud on their shoes, so to speak.
It thus may seem out of character for us to delve into the grim subject matter that faces us today, but we feel strongly that in times such as these, we all must come together and face the future head on. It is in times of great tragedy and crisis that we need each other the most. We must come together in anger and in grief to demonstrate our collective support for the fallen. That is the spirit of America and, we like to think, the spirit of this great site.
I speak, of course, of the alleged break-up of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, the most shocking, the most horrifying, and the most painful event that has happened in this great country of ours since that grim 11th of September in 2001. However, I want to stress, upfront, that as of this writing, the dissolution of Jolie and Pitt’s relationship has not been confirmed. In fact, people in both camps — important people, like agents and public relations specialists — are denying the rumors. We hope — nay, we pray — with heavy hearts that the news is not true.
In either event, we feel that it is paramount here at Pajiba that we prepare our eloquent readership for the possibility of the passing of Brad and Angelina’s relationship. It is best to be prepared — blindsides as momentous as this could otherwise be crippling to our collective psyches. And so, today I want to share with you five coping strategies that we should all employ to effectively deal with this troubling and unfortunate matter. I’m afraid that there’s no surefire strategy to dealing with a celebrity break-up, especially one of this magnitude — there will always be a vacancy in our soul — but by heeding this advice, we feel that within a few short months, you may be able to effectively move on with your life, return to your job, and become a productive member of society once again.
I can’t stress how important grieving is. The first step in getting over a loss is to acknowledge the loss and allow yourself some time to mourn. A grieving period is different for different types of losses; typically, with the loss of an immediate family member or a very close friend, you should give yourself a few weeks. With a loss like the break-up of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, however, you’re probably better off giving yourself between three and four months to process the loss. A loss of a parent can be devastating, but Brad and Angelina are movie stars. They pretend to be other people for millions of dollars, and so we should afford ourselves an extra few weeks or months to deal with the pain.
If you don’t drink, start. If you do drink, drink more. If you’re a heavy drinker, consider increasing the alcohol content of your beverages. The only way to properly deal with a loss of this enormity is to drink the pain away. You can’t fill the hole in your heart, but you can fill your liver. Everything hurts just a little less when you’re drunk. Back when Tom and Nicole divorced, for example, I can’t count the number of times that I passed out face down in a puddle of my own vomitus. Sometimes, the best way to truly deal with pain is complete and total unconsciousness.
If you’re looking for an easy way to way to cope with an overwhelming situation or feeling, I implore you to look into self-mutilation. Part of the healing process is to find an ability to feel the pain on the outside instead of on the inside. Moreover, physical wounds prove that the emotional pain is real — and the physical damage you do to yourself is a catalyst for releasing the emotional pain. If you can’t put into words what you are feeling, you can more appropriately express it through self-cutting — in this instance, I’d recommend cutting the visages of Brad and Angelina into your arm or leg. It’s the best way to stop the numbness, to exert a sense of control over your body, and express those feelings that you cannot otherwise put into words.
Fake a Suicide Attempt
If the drinking or the cutting doesn’t get you the attention that you deserve, it’s often wise to resort to fake suicide attempts. The people around you may not understand what it is that you’re truly feeling. If they don’t share your grief over the break up of Brad and Angelina, then a good fake suicide attempt will help them to see the light. It’s imperative, if you want to eventually get past your pain to make others understand or even feel what you’re going through. Fake suicide attempts are the easiest means to that end. My suggestion: Pills. Take a half a bottle of whatever over-the-counter medication you have lying around, and immediately call a close friend or family member to let them know.
Find a Higher Power
In the end, when you’re living under the total chaos that a high-powered celebrity couple break-up can bring, often the best thing you can do is give yourself up to a higher power. We all have our come-to-Jesus moments, and a tragedy such as this will only hasten it. Admit that your life is unmanageable and out of control, and let that higher power guide you. It is only that power that can bring sanity back into your life. Take that leap of faith and turn your will over to God. A higher power can truly bring you peace again, and allow you to not only move on with your life, but someday, find another celebrity couple with whom you can invest the whole of your being.
By following the above coping strategies, I’m certain that — in time - the wounds that Brad and Angelina’s break up have inflicted will heal. There may be battle scars that live on forever, but you can live again.