We devote so much time to what assholes famous men are—so why not really celebrate it today, on Women’s Equality Day! Because they’re more equal than us anyway! Extra celebration!
There was that time the co-creator of Two and a Half Men, Lee Aronsohn, warned us of labia saturation. Phrasing. There is no way he has ever saturated anyone’s labia.
“Enough, ladies. I get it. You have periods,” he said.
Aronsohn applauded women like Whitney Cummings, Chelsea Handler and Tina Fey securing a voice to discuss formerly taboo subjects on TV.
“But we’re approaching peak vagina on television, the point of labia saturation,” he said.
The current boom in female-centric TV contrasts with Two and a Half Men mostly portraying women as bimbos, something Aronsohn isn’t about to apologize for.
“Screw it,” Aronsohn earlier told the Toronto conference during a keynote address. “We’re centering the show on two very damaged men. What makes men damaged? Sorry, it’s women. I never got my heart broken by a man.”
There was that time Adam Corolla was a giant sack of crusty tissue residue.
The lesson you learned from a sexual harassment seminar was “Don’t hire chicks.” Do you hate working with women?
No. But they make you hire a certain number of chicks, and they’re always the least funny on the writing staff. The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I’m just gonna tell her, “Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they’ll have to hire you, they can’t really fire you, and you don’t have to produce that much. It’ll be awesome.”
The “are women funny” debate has grown very contentious. You’re not worried about reactions to this?
I don’t care. When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds. When it comes to comedy, of course there’s Sarah Silverman, Tina Fey, Kathy Griffin — super-funny chicks. But if you’re playing the odds? No.
There was that one time with Terrence Howard and the icknast unclean vagina parts.
“Toilet paper - and no baby wipes - in the bathroom. If they’re using dry paper, they aren’t washing all of themselves. It’s just unclean. So if I go in a woman’s house and see the toilet paper there, I’ll explain this. And if she doesn’t make the adjustment to baby wipes, I’ll know she’s not completely clean.”
There was Sean Connery on the virtues of a good slap.
The entire Johnny Depp defense league.
Finally, Mel Gibson. In general.
M: Another lie, who cares. So, they look ridiculous, get rid of ‘em why don’t you? Anyway, uh, you know…
O: It’s none of your fucking business what they look like.
M: It is, it is, they look stupid, I’m just telling you, it’s just an appraisal. Keep them if you want, look stupid, see if I give a fuck, you know. But they’re too big and they look stupid, they look like some Vegas bitch, they look like a Vegas whore. And you go around, sashaying around in your tight clothes, and stuff. I won’t stand for that anymore. (unintelligible)
O: I don’t, I don’t, I don’t walk around in tight clothes, I stay at home for most of the time.
M: (heated) Yes you fucking do, you go out in public and it’s a fucking embarrassment to me. You look like a fucking bitch in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of niggers it’ll be your fault. All right? Because you provoked it. You are provocatively dressed all the time, with your fake boobs, you feel you have to show off in tight outfits and tight pants (garbled) you can see your pussy from behind. And that green thing today was enough. That’s provocative. OK? I’m telling you. I’m just telling you the truth! I don’t like it. I don’t want that woman. I don’t want you! I don’t believe you anymore. I don’t trust you, I don’t love you. I don’t want you. OK?
Feel free to add your own in the comments. Great job, men! Thanks for all the equality!