In case you missed it, Deadline broke the news on Friday that Paramount Pictures has tapped writer/producer Akiva Goldsman (whose credits include A Beautiful Mind, I, Robot, TV’s Fringe, and, most importantly, Winter’s Tale) to front a “writer’s room” with the goal of turning the Transformers series into a Marvel-style shared universe. We’re sure there’s nothing that can go wrong here, but just in case, here are some suggestions so no one involved fucks it up.
1) Replace the requisite hot-woman-leaning-over-the-hood-of-a-car with Creed lead singer Scott Stapp.
2) No more “LOLOL statutory rape” moments.
3) Lean into the
best only good thing about Transformers: Age of Extinction and make Stanely Tucci the action star I have the world has always secretly wanted him to be. Hey, it’s more believable than inventor Mark Wahlberg.
4) Have one of the films culminate with Optimus Prime accidentally admitting while mic’ed that he straight-up killed a whole bunch of people.
5) Three words: Fraggle. Rock. Crossover.
6) Replace Megatron with Dot Matrix from Spaceballs.
7) Kidnap whomever you need to kidnap so that Lord and Miller direct one of these suckers.
8) Instead of robots that are blatant racist stereotypes, how ‘bout we… don’t have that.
9) Fire Michael Bay so that he can devote 100% of his attention to his sure-to-be-excellent Benghazi movie.
10) Transformers 6: Optimus Prime and the Search for the First-Edition Iliad.
11) Throw the word “Rogue” in one of the titles somewhere, I dunno.
13) Do a version of the first Transformers movie that’s exactly the same as it was before, only The Rock, Anthony Mackie, and Mark Wahlberg’s Pain & Gain characters are there this time providing a running commentary.
14) Tommy Wiseau.
15) Colin Farrell hair flop.