Dreamcasting Arseface & Other Comic-Based Roles That Will Never Happen
While I don’t possess nearly the expertise of TK or Prisco when it comes to comic books and their all-important mythologies, I’m hoping that this limitation won’t prevent a discussion of dreamcasting within several comic-book adaptations that’ll never happen. None of these titles are likely to appeal to a mainstream audience; in fact, many would likely meet the same fate as Watchmen, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, and Jonah Hex as far as cinematic interpretations are concerned. So, let’s assume these movies are fanboy pipe dreams. Dreamcasting these roles is a make-believe effort based upon make-believe universes, correct?
Work with me here and consider these casting choices for live-action adaptations.
Sin City: A Dame To Kill For (Ava): Under ordinary circumstances, the first Sin City movie has always been ripe for a sequel. The original movie grossed $74 million domestically with another $84 million overseas (on a relatively modest $40 budget), so one would think that Dimension Films would have rushed a follow-up into development, but it’s been six years with nothing but empty promises and a never-ending slide into development hell with talk of The Weinstein Company possibly acquiring rights for a sequel. In addition to the Weinstein’s precarious financial status, there are several problems with the situation, most of which can be traced back to the co-directors, Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller. Robbie Rod is too busy grinding out Grindhouse spinoffs and kiddie flicks, and there’s no way in hell that they’d allow Miller (who wrote the comic and has long since claimed to have a sequel script ready) to helm the project all on his lonesome after what he did with The Spirit. Nevertheless, several names [including Rose McGowan (whatever) and Rachel Weisz] have been periodically floated through the ether for the character Ava, who happens to be the ultimate femme fatale. Obviously, the ideal actress here would be Angelina Jolie, provided that she first gains back a few curves.
Dr. Strange (Dr. Strange): This is a tough one, but anyone who takes on this character (with all of the surrealistic, mind-trippy aspects) needs a proven history in comic book adaptations. With his awesome performances in Shoot ‘Em Up and Sin City and a very similar stature to the titular character, Clive Owen is the best choice.
Captain Britain (Capt. Britain): Now, this would be an interesting movie for Anglophile comic whores, but I doubt that there’s enough of an audience for a full-length feature film to ever come to fruition. Regardless, potential casting options include Gerard Butler (who honestly couldn’t manage the accent but would look damn fine in that outfit), Michael Fassbender (who is probably far too booked-up already), and Jason Statham. Guess who the front runner here might be?
100 Bullets (Dizzy): This title is near and dear to my little black heart. Since this comic has already spawned a video game, I have a very bad feeling that Uwe Boll might someday try to get his hands on it. If that happens and Agent Graves shows up and hands me an attaché case, I cannot be responsible for my actions. Still, it’s a given that any reputable director (actually, anyone other than Boll) would have a bevy of badass chicks vying for the role of ex-gangbanger-turned-female-Minuteman Dizzy Cordova. Since Dizzy is Latina, Rosario Dawson would be a very natural choice, but with the right makeup artist on hand, Zoe Saldana (who has already played a blue chick) could probably pass in the role and wield a gun in a slightly more convincing matter. Stranger things have happened.
Preacher (Arseface): This comic’s been the subject of adaptation rumors for several years. In 2008, Sam Mendes was attached to direct, but now that Mendes has moved over to the much more lucrative James Bond franchise, the future is uncertain. Current buzz indicates that DJ Caruso could helm an eventual Preacher movie if things go well with this weekend’s I Am Number Four release. I don’t see this movie as a realistic option because it would be very difficult to even water it down for an R-rating while still staying true to the source material. Further, there’s the complication of actually including the Arseface character and even locating an actor who could portray Arseface and still possess the self esteem to sign on for such a revolting-looking character. Presumably, there would be a substantial amount of makeup involved, but I believe Walton Goggins (“Justified”) could actually perform this magical trick.
Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at agentbedhead.com.