Like most kids, I grew up watching classic cartoons. Some of my very favorites, to this day, are the Disney and Warner Bros. cartoons. I watched them a lot. I love them. That’s why it still hurts that they lied to be about the appearance and texture of so many foods.
Look at this steak from the Tom and Jerry cartoon “The Truce Hurts” and tell me that our real life steaks look anything like it! YOU WOULD BE A LIAR IF YOU DO TELL ME THAT. LIAR.
For starters, I think that is an entire cow in one steak. The you have the insane rim of fat on the edge and the marbling throughout. Last of all, there is just one, round bone found in this steak. As I understood it as a child, you could cut up your steak and leave just the clean bone on your plate.
But that shit ain’t the truth. Look at this piddly bitch of a steak. LOOK AT THE BONE THAT GOES ALL THROUGH IT. Where’s my rim of delicious fat to throw at people?
Take a peek at this cheesy goddamned pizza from A Goofy Movie. Look at the strings of melted goodness just stringing all over the place. I thought that getting a cheese pizza would gift me with a perfectly melted, perfectly cheese-covered slice of heaven.
No, no, no, NO. If you are lucky enough to get a pizza with the proper cheese-to-sauce ratio, you will still have this happen: you pull the slice from the rest of the pie and all of the cheese slides off. Or you take a bite and then must eat all of these to keep the boiling mass of dairy from erasing your face or ruining your clothes.
Don’t even get me started on cake in cartoons. TOO LATE.
Look at this perfection, unparalleled in life.
This is what we get:
Then there is every damn thing else. Basically, every food that looked amazing and succulent in cartoons was a lie to get me to demand new things that were not flawless and perfectly proportioned.
Thanksgiving is ruined.