Better Off Dead: The 11 Film Characters You Most Want To Hans Gruber Off A Skyscraper
In anticipation of the Fright Night remake, I watched the original 1985 flick a few weeks ago. For the first time. I know, I know. I’m really trying to watch ALL the things. Maybe then you all will leave me alone. Anyway, I wasn’t expecting a whole lot. I know it’s a much beloved classic and all, but we’ve come a long way since the 80s visually and I was a little dubious about the make-up effects. Also, in the intervening decades we’ve been beaten about the head with vampire material ranging from great (“Buffy,” Let The Right One In) to awful (Twilight) to offal (30 Days Of Night). But you know what? I was pleasantly surprised. I give a lot of the credit to Chris Sarandon and Roddy McDowell (vampire and vampire hunter respectively). Oh, sure, the special effects are sort of wonked by today’s standards and William Ragsdale (he’ll always be Herman to me) is possibly the blandest lead in cinematic history, but the film is great, it really is…with one glaring, grating, cackling exception.
Oh, Evil Ed, I wanted you to die so hard. I wanted you to die early and die often. There was a bit of a furor when Christopher Mintz-Plasse was cast as Evil Ed in the remake. Listen, say what you will about McLovin’, but I’ve enjoyed him in everything I’ve seen (Superbad, Kick-Ass, Role Models) and while he’s just been playing variations on a McLovin’ theme, it’s more than I ever expected for the kid. But most of all, in my opinion, any way in which they change that horrible awful no good very bad Evil Ed character is fine by me. Fine and dandy. I’m putting him at the top of my list of Most Annoying Film Characters. No, honestly, right at the top. And while this list has been done before, I’m doing it again. Because revenge is a dish best served over and over and over. So here they are, the 11 characters I would most like to take a shower in the Bates Motel.
Pct William Hudson—Aliens: A character so irritating he managed to out-obnoxious Paul Reiser. A character so irksome I was begging Bishop to slice his fingers…slower…SLOWER. A character so noxious I wish they had a store of his DNA somewhere so that after he was vaporized, they could clone him in Alien: Resurrection, you know, so I could watch him die again.
Prissy—Gone With The Wind: When I was little I was appalled at Scarlett for slapping Prissy. Then I got older and wanted to scream “SHUT THE F*CK UP, PRISSY!” So, um, Prissy, I wish you to, um, die, in a…ugh, no I can’t do it. Prissy, I hope you die of old age surrounded by your grandchildren but I want you to take your stereotype perpetuating ass off-screen while you do it.
Bruno—Bruno: You, Bruno, are another stereotype I can’t stand. Oh I know Sacha Baron Cohen meant to use you to mock homophobia. To open some eyes. But I think he misfired and instead all I see is a loud, bleating stereotype. Death by drowning in a vat of lipgloss.
Both The Bitches From—Something Borrowed: These b*tches with their backstabbing, lying, cheating, fake, doormatty ways need to die in all the fires. Plus, who is impervious to the charms of John Krasinksi? These b*tches, that’s who. Death by strangulation with a wedding veil. Death by choking on thrown rice. I hope you both slip and break your neck while doing the Electric Slide.
Mr. Yunioshi—Breakfast At Tiffany’s: He’s supposed to be Japanese, yes? I’m going to say yes. It’s hard to tell. DEATH BY YAKUZA, MOTHERF*CKER.
Wilhelmina “Willie” Scott—Temple of Doom: Oh, this is easy. Let’s see. Death by having your still beating heart voodoo’d outta your chest? Yes, that’ll do, Willie, that’ll do.
Ruby Rhod—Fifth Element: Ol’ Ruby here usually tops most lists of this nature. Death by having to listen to yourself, Rubes. I give you two hours before the blood starts dripping out of your ear like whatever that is (Hershey’s syrup?) that oozing down Gary Oldman’s face.
Peter Pan—Most Versions Of Peter Pan But Especially This One: This one goes out to Kolby who had a crush on the Disney Peter Pan as a child. Me? I think he’s a little sh*t. Maybe not as Barrie wrote him, but in nearly every iteration since. This version with a gorgeous and talented little Wendy, beautiful Special Effects and Jason Bloody Isaacs as Captain Hook should have been great. Should have been phenomenal. But they cast this little AMERICAN mouthbreather (J.D. McCoy!) as Pan and ruined the whole thing. I kept rooting for Wendy to kick his crowing *ss into the crocodiles mouth. Then she could stay on the Jolly Roger with Isaacs and learn to be a pirate. Right? Right.
JarJar Binks—The Star Wars Movies We Don’t Like To Talk About: Oh god. Meesa ruined the movie. Robot Chicken has this one covered.
Evil Ed—Fright Night: I really don’t care who kills you and I really don’t care how, but I care that you die. Oh god, apparently there’s a Fright Night 2? Should I watch it?
How about you? Care to weigh in? Who would you handcuff to the next flight to the sun? Come on, there’s gotta be someone you would push into a Final Destination death trap. Someone you’d care to introduce to the underside of Ed Norton’s boot? Go on, dare them to say Candyman three times.