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Better Choices For the New Mary Jane, According to the Internet

By Vivian Kane | Lists | August 18, 2016 |

By Vivian Kane | Lists | August 18, 2016 |

*Spoilers for some racist Spider-Man nonsense you’ve probably seen in other headlines by now anyway!*

Thursday night, the internet was made aware of the rumor that Zendaya, whose role in the new Spider-Man was previously unknown— is rumored to be playing Mary Jane. As expected, the internet was instantly flooded with Bigger Fans Than You, ever-committed to preserving the true essence of this beloved character. Despite what you may assume, it’s not that these basement-dwellers are racist— OH NO, DEFINITELY NOT. It’s not Zendaya’s skin color that upsets them, as they yell from the rooftops of Twitter. It’s her hair.

Because if there’s one thing we know about Mary Jane (and there is, literally, ONE thing most people know about her), it’s that she is a redhead and that this characteristic is the single most important thing about her. Does that maybe mean we should further explore or develop this character? Of course not! It means we should be faithful to that specific superficial pigmentation.

So since that is the ONE THING that is more important than ALL THE OTHER THINGS (like Mary Jane’s brain, heart, guts, or spunk, or even the fact that this ‘news’ is still very much just a rumor), here are a few choices that the internet should definitely be onboard for. Don’t throw any of that “not right for the role” nonsense at me, either. We’ve nailed down what’s important here. Age range? Gender? Degree of actual existence? Nope! None of that matters to TRUE FANS. Here are your TRUE Mary Jane choices.

Juliane Moore

Prince Harry


This fictional character


Oh, actually maybe this fictional character, too (shells are like hair, right?)


Shirley MacLaine


Annie (The white one.)


Blanche. Put Blanche in everything.

Louis CK


Conan O’Brien


Any of these kids


Anyone from the Weasley family


Tori Amos


Sometimes Gillian Anderson


Ron Howard


Thanks for reminding us what’s really important, internet creeps! Thank everyone for the help, Zendaya!

Vivian Kane has a lot of thoughts about a lot of things.