An Introduction to the Hollywood Vampire Cabal, AKA Celebrities That Do Not Age
If you ever wonder why you, at age 32, are unable to stay up until 2 in the morning and eat cold cuts and cookie dough for dinner without feeling slightly less than perfect the next day (…hypothetically), well, that’s just because there are people in the world who absorb all the vampire mojo and/or bathe in the blood of the young and/or hoard all the good genes because they. seriously. do. not. age. You want to know this inspiration for this post? Fine, I’ll tell you. This is a tweet of Bernadette Peters and Josh Groban from yesterday.
One of these people is 33 years older than the other. One of these people was born in 1948 and is 68 years old. Bernadette?!!?!? Whose first-born child did you sell to the devil?!?!?
On the left: Bernadette Peters in The Jerk, 1979. On the right, Bernadette Peters on Mozart in the Jungle, now, almost 40 years later. What kind of hot sauce nonsense?
From left to right, Paul Rudd in Clueless (1995), Knocked Up (2007) and Parks and Recreation (2012).
Patron Saint Bianca Lawson, who has been playing teenagers for literally decades. On the left is Ken-druhh, deh vam-pyyuh slay-uh from Buffy. On the right is Dawson in The Vampire Diaries, approximately a decade later.
John Cho aged fifteen years between the left pic (American Pie 2, 2001) and the right (Star Trek Beyond, 2016). He is 44 years old now. Let that sink in.
Top: Pharrell in the video for Snoop Dogg’s “Drop It Like It’s Hot,” 2004. Bottom: Nine years and yet simultaneously not a day older in Nelly’s “Get Like Me” video (2013).
Kerry Washington c. 2001 in Save the Last Dance vs Kerry Washington in Scandal.
Steve Martin (age 71) was in Shopgirl in 2005 and was beaten up by Vin Diesel earlier this week. It’s like he reached his late 50s and then just stopped.
Elijah Wood in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in 2004 vs the new BBC show Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency, based on the books by Douglas Adams but created by Max Landis so I don’t even know what my feelings are doing.