As I mentioned last year, I don’t love April Fool’s. It’s a terrible mess of pranks which are awful, other pranks which are horrific, and then the occasional person saying “Jennifer Lawrence is marrying Taylor Swift … JK! They’re not even really friends I don’t think! It’s funny!”
Nope. That’s not what that is at all. That’s just words you said.
But for some godawful reason, April Fool’s persists. It’s not unlike the horribleness of Valentine’s Day; those who are already succeeding at this particular endeavor don’t need the fanfare of a holiday to continue doing it and those who aren’t lucky in this area have an entire day forced on them to feel inadequate for a thing that is none of society’s goddamn business in the first place. I DECIDE WHEN TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP AND WHEN TO LIE TO PEOPLE, CALENDAR. NOT YOU.
So here’s my modest proposal: Can we not? Let’s just not participate. When people try to prank you today, don’t respond. Or if you need to, give them this look
and walk away.
But what if you still want to celebrate today with a nonsense holiday? Great. Let’s do literally any of these instead:
I know that technically spring begins in March 20th. But it takes a few days to settle into it. Consider April 1st the celebration of getting your spring game down. You’ve finally figured out how to work a light jacket/ sweater, heavier jacket, umbrella and rain boots into a cohesive outfit. And you’ve still got your parka stashed close by just in case. Celebrate the fact that you’re completely, 100% prepared for this form of spring weather which will last for roughly 10 days.
New Start Day
2 for 1 Holiday. This encompasses both spring cleaning, and a renewal on your New Year’s Resolution that you didn’t keep. The first three months of the year are bullshit, and nothing good happens in them (except for you dear readers with a birthday in those months. Your day is special). So let’s start over on April first with a second chance to give up on working out/ learning a new language/ reading more/ getting that nasty forward slash addiction under control.
Active Day is similar to New Start Day, but focuses specifically on doing new stuff outside and encouraging healthy exercise. Go for a run or a hike or a bike ride. Walk around an area of town you’ve never been. Check out a park. In most areas of the country, we’ve been stuck inside on account of the freezing temperatures and soul crushing grey skies. Go show nature who’s boss.
Fuck Active Day
This does not mean to engage in vigorous sexual intercourse although if that’s your thing, who am I to stop you? I mean, we should have a national holiday as push back against all of the articles and “news” stories reminding us that swimsuit season is coming up. Fuck your swimsuit season. If I make it to the beach this summer, I’ll be concerned about finding a good spot for my towel, keeping sand out of places where sand shouldn’t be, where the nearest ice cream stand is, and if I’ve brought enough SPF 50 sunscreen. I’m sure as fuck not going to be concerned if my body is “beach ready.” And as a direct protestation, I’ll spend today not doing shit. The inverse of Active Day. I’ll do and eat whatever makes me happy today without a second thought about what it might be doing to my figure. Being healthfully active is a good thing. Body shaming under the guise of healthful concern is bullshit that we’re all too good for.
Putting Cheese And Sour Cream On Doritos Day
God help me, I wish this weren’t delicious. Either as a complement to Fuck Active Day or on its own, original Doritos with melted cheddar cheese and sour cream is a goddamn delicacy. Do not mistakenly refer to these as “nachos”, as the person who introduced them to me foolishly did. Even for a country that’s created the Nachos Bell Grande, this is some Americanized bullshit and will not be accepted as even a vaguely Mexican dish. Try instead to just think of them as Cheesy Chips.
Day Drinking Day
Fuck me, I love day drinking. It’s the perfect culmination of enjoying nice weather. True day drinking must occur outside with some sort of outdoor games nearby (bags, horseshoes, trying to get people to fall out of their chairs), and must occur at an obscenely early hour for drinking. If you start after 1pm, you’re too late.
And on the off chance that no one takes my proposal seriously and we are going ahead with this April Fool’s Day bullshit, I’m going to start celebrating Day Drinking Day right now.