America F**k (-ing People You're Not Married To) Yeah!: Our Favorite Political Sex Scandals
Celebrities—they’re just like us! Unless they’re political celebrities who make decisions that affect or lives or hold top secret clearances and have access to information that could lead to the devastating crumble of national security and the western world as we know it. But, other than that, just like us! And, just like us!, they like to get some strange. Be it in an airport bathroom, an undisclosed Argentinian location or below decks on the good ship Monkey Business, our political leaders love little more than exercising their civic duty all over someone’s governing body. *winking so hard she pulls an eye muscle*
As we all float waist-deep in the muddy waters of the Petraeus scandal, let’s take a look back at some of the finest US political sex scandals, and, remember, YOU are the ones sullying the sanctity of marriage, you loving, monogamous homosexuals.
In 2007, Idaho Senator Larry Craig did a little airport bathroom tap dance, the universal signal for “I want your sex, in the George Michaely way.” This did not work out for him, what with how his desired partner in the “not everybody does it, but everybody should”-ing (yes, that song is in my head now) was an undercover officer. Craig served out the rest of his term, but was tragically destined to never enter a public restroom again.
You know what more scandals need? Total AWOL disappearances, replete with widely varying alibis, climaxing in the discovery that the missing person in question has been in Argentina with his mistress. Ole! Upon his return, Sanford tearfully announced that he’d spent the last five days crying in Argentina (in his defense, it might not have been a total lie— I’m sure some liquid was in fact exiting his body in some way). Alas, his tears were wasted and he resigned his post as head of the Republican Governors Association.
As a rule, whatever they fight against hardest, that’s their biggest vice (I have it on good authority that Paul Ryan has had, like, twelve abortions and pops OrthoTriCyclen like it’s candy.) And when Governor Eliot Spitzer was caught partaking in the very enterprise he’d fought so hard against, it was shocking. And pretty hilarious. It was called The Emperor’s Club. That’s so fancy. And I still think it’s hilariously awesome that his call girl of choice, Ashley Rae Maika DiPietro, née Ashley Youmans, alias Ashley Alexandra Dupré, hooked under the name “Kristen.” It’s never not funny.
*angry face* His isn’t funny. Douche.
BUT HIS IS! *puts on party hat* Okay, I want someone to tell me right now how people accidentally tweet their genitals. You tell me right now. Because I don’t get it. Be it the drummer for Sex Bob-omb or a NY congressman, how do you even do that? It seems hard (and I’m not talking about Weiner’s little Anthony). Also, as he’s one of Jon Stewart’s best friends, there is nothing I wouldn’t give to be privy to the riotous shitgivings he gets from his friends (it’s been over a year—it’s totally okay to make fun of him to his face now, right?)
Ain’t no scandal like a Bill Clinton scandal ‘cause a Bill Clinton scandal don’t stop. Seriously. It won’t stop. His name is still synonymous with adulterer, pimp, playa, manwhore, however you want to word it, and Monica Lewinsky is still a national joke, which is really sad, because of all the obvious reasons, and, if it had been ten years later, chick would have had at least four reality shows by now.