A Partial List of Everyone 2016 Had Better Not Take From Us

Any year that would take Bowie, Alan Rickman and Prince from us deserves a mulligan. And yet. We still have eight more months of 2016 to slog through, wondering all the while who will be taken from us in this year of death.

If any of these people die before the calendar switches over to ‘17, I will burn this mother down. Through writing this post, hopefully I am inoculating them against future death (Ian McKellen/Immortality 2016). Alternatively, I an inadvertently condemning them to their graves. Guess who’s been the Grim Reaper this whole time?

Tom Hanks

Who would stand up for the lost gloves?

Dolly Parton

Dolly Parton can’t die before I fulfill my lifelong obligation, as a Tennesseean, to visit Dollywood.

Cher

What would we do without her trenchant political analysis to anchor us through the general election?

TRUMP"I WILL B CHANGING VERY RAPIDLY,IM VERY CAPABLE OF CHANGING 2 ANYTHING I WANT 2CHANGE 2"
GHANDI,LINCOLN,OR
HITLER,KIM JON-UN⁉️
🕐2🙏🏻

— Cher (@cher) April 24, 2016

Aretha Franklin

You better think, Death!

Bob Dylan

Minnesota couldn’t take this and Prince.

Sirs Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart

When if Sir Ian McKellen eventually dies, he’ll just come back a few days later dressed in some smashing new whites? Right? Right?

Bill Watterson

Just because the Calvin & Hobbes creator has been retired for years doesn’t mean it won’t absolutely gut me when he goes to the great comic strip in the sky.

Guillermo del Toro

On the other hand, death will only slightly decrease his chances of ever getting At the Mountains of Madness made. (Yes, maybe I included him on this list just because I wanted to make this joke.)

Samuel L. Jackson

“Eaten by a giant shark” is the only way Samuel L. Jackson is allowed to go.

Michael J. Fox

YOU LEAVE MARTY MCFLY ALONE.

Harrison Ford

Curmudgeonly asshole o’ my heart would die right after Han Solo. Just to fuck with people.

Denzel Washington

“Man, I pity the Grim Reaper on duty that comes for Denzel.” - Jessie Wallace, (c) 2016.

Dame Judi Dench

It is my own personal theory that Death has tried to take Judi Dench several times now, but every time she’s kneed him in the junk and sent him running.

David Letterman

Dustin is going to drown in a pool of his own snot and tears when Letterman dies. It is known.

Paul McCartney

Cue the guitars gently weeping. (Yes, I know that’s George Harrison. Hey, watch the Prince guitar solo again.)

Tina Turner

Heaven doesn’t deserve those legs.

Gene Wilder

It does indeed go without saying, Gene.

Bill Murray

I still haven’t recovered from Harold Ramis yet, so I’m going to need the world to hold off on Venkman for a while.

Betty White

How bout it? Let’s be morbid together. Which celebrity deaths will leave you gutted?