A List of Things You Should Not Put in Your Vagina, According to Science
I feel like we shouldn’t need to have this conversation. But I felt that way about literally every reason Donald Trump will kill us all and we all saw how that one turned out, so I’ll go ahead and just have the convo because clearly people are stupid and terrible.
Basically, people keep putting weird shit in their vaginas. Weird shit that should not go in vaginas. And they need to stop doing that. Luckily, we have Dr. Jen Gunter in the world to tell them what’s what on behalf of SCIENCE. These items include, but are not limited to:
The most recent vag trend involves something called passion dust. You know that thing a couple years ago where a website would send glitter bombs to annoy your friends and enemies? Well what this company presupposes is “what if you stuck it up your hoob?” Essentially (and unbearably unessential), you shove a capsule up your situation and it turns your natural lubricant into glitter slime. Hot. Dr. Jen is opposed. Not only because of the potential for contact dermatitis and/or a very specific and terrible invasion of bacteria (this is how we get pants ants), but because COME ON.
Vaginal injury and granulomas aside the point of the vaginal glitter appears to be “for him,” you know because a vagina au naturel just isn’t enough. I hate, hate, hate the messaging behind this (and all other vaginal “enhancement” products). Why do we have to shame women inside and out?
When it comes to clitter glitter, just say no.
What could any possible downsides be to this genius approach to gynecological health and wellness, Dr. Jen?
This product follows the same dangerous pathway of other “traditional” vaginal practices, meaning tightening and drying the vagina which is both medically and sexually (for women anyway) undesirable. Drying the vaginal mucosa increases the risk of abrasions during sex (not good) and destroys the protective mucous layer (not good). It could also wreak havoc with the good bacteria. In addition to causing pain during sex it can increase the risk of HIV transmission. This is a dangerous practice with real potential to harm. Here’s a pro-tip, if something burns when you apply it to the vagina it is generally bad for the vagina.
I genuinely don’t know where to start. Basically, some people feel the need to buy dried up wasp nest husks on Etsy and shove them in their vaginas. I don’t understand people or vaginas or wasps even anymore. I have so many questions but I don’t think I want the answers.
So Goopsypoopsy calls these “pearls.” They are not the pearls you’re thinking of.
Vaginal detox pearls are basically teabags of herbs, like the potpourri satchels your grandma used to keep in her unmentionables drawer, that you shove up your body because you clearly hate your vagina and want it punished for something. Here’s the thing about vaginas: they’re not goddamn magic. They’re not a living room you can feng shui into better working conditions. They’re fine. Calm down.
Dr. Jen, take it away. Seriously, take it all away—I’m itchy thinking about it.
Your uterus and vagina wants you to leave them alone
Your uterus isn’t tired or depressed or dirty and your vagina has not misplaced its chakra. They want no real help from you unless there is something wrong and they will tell you there is something wrong by bleeding profusely or itching or cramping badly or producing an odor. Don’t blame malaise, or fatigue on your uterus or vagina (unless you are anemic from bleeding, but then you would have had the warning sign).
Get out of there with your teabags of terrible.
Japanese sticks (or presumably sticks of any nationality):
Very very confusingly, this is a device designed to dry up your vagina for penile pleasure. Ow. Ow all the way around. If you’ve ever been in a sexytime situation where your region went full desert you know it’s NOT A GOOD TIME for anyone involved. But apparently it’s an actual desire for some people. Ow.
Intravaginal applications to “dry” the vagina to enhance male sexual pleasure are not unknown. Sadly some women look for ways to have “dry sex” because apparently some men prefer it. They may insert herbs, pulverized rock, detergents, soap, or even commercially caustic products (yes, like bleach) into the vagina. The chemicals or trauma temporarily reduce vaginal moisture. The lack of wetness and pain from the resulting abrasions may also cause the pelvic floor to spasm during sex (not in a good way) and this will tighten the vaginal opening (which can make insertion painful). Practices that dry the vagina are known to increase the transmission of sexually transmitted infections. never mind make sex painful for the woman.
Don’t put eggs in your vagina. I don’t care if it’s made of jade. Also, the vagina is not a source of “wisdom” anymore than a penis is a source of wisdom or a nostril or a pinkie toenail. It’s a body part. Calm. Thefuck. Down.
THE GOOD DOCTOR GETS IT.
If fact, I find that assertion insulting. Do you really mean a woman who does not have a uterus is less effective? Is a woman without a vagina less intelligent? Is a woman who had a vulvectomy due to cancer less creative?
Ironically, you know what GOOP has an issue with you putting in your vagina? Tampons. I don’t get you, Goopsicle.
Anyway, go forth and only put stuff in your vagina that is designed for proper and safe vaginery.