With this week’s announcement of a live action Aladdin prequel, it’s becoming (yet again) pretty clear that studios are scraping the bottom of the barrel for source material to adapt. It’s not just Disney, everyone’s looking for kid’s stories to remake, reimagine, or live broadcast. We’ve had movies based on board games, based on theme park rides… it seems like there isn’t anything left to adapt. Because there isn’t.
Well, almost. Here are a few ideas so stupid, no one’s attempted them. Yet.
It’s going to happen, right? This is going to be made into a movie eventually. A mini-series if we’re really unlucky.
Kids love Cheerios. Someone has to try to cash in on that eventually.
I’m sure a Labyrinth remake has been thrown around countless Hollywood pitch meetings. My guess is that no one can figure out the David Bowie Super Crotch problem. You can’t do the movie without that thunder, but kids today are WAY more tuned into that stuff than we were. Parents would riot.
The Girl Without Hands
Disney loves princessing up horrific fairy tales from the Brothers Grimm. Here’s one they haven’t tried yet: the story of a girl whose father is tricked into selling her to the devil. The devil can’t take her away, though, ‘cause she’s so pure, so he cuts off her arms instead. Other stuff happens too, I think. Probably some woodland creatures sing. Anna Kendrick to voice.
The big trend, of course, is to take a children’s story and reimagine a darker version, with violence and shaky cam and vampire hunters. Once the studios have run through all these options, they’ll have to start in with the opposite: family versions of horror movies. Like The Omen: the story of a young boy who just wants to fit in… with demons.
Or someone could finally just make a feature length version of this masterpiece:
Remember when you were a kid, how the very best game was when you would just pretend the floor was made of lava? Once Disney runs out of board games to cinematize, they’ll definitely make a movie based on this idea. (Spoiler: It will just be a shot-for-shot remake of Dante’s Peak.)
Song of the South
I wouldn’t even put it past them. Eventually, someone’s going to try this, right?
The Quiet Game
Another one for when the studios run out of movies and board games to adapt. Every parent’s favorite road trip game is the perfect source material for the most boring movie ever. It’s just 100 minutes of characters silently poking each other and making weird faces until one of them cries. (On second thought, that actually sounds kind of amazing. Let’s get Key & Peele on that one, okay?)