Several months ago, I received the blessed news that Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson had filed for divorce, news that would’ve been a lot more satisfying had it happened the previous week, before I had publicly terminated my man crush on R-Squared. It was a bittersweet break-up and, unfortunately, came with little gratification.
But it’s not too late to get some satisfaction out of the destruction of a few other celebrity couples. My initial approach here was to go with couples we’d like to see break-up because it’d give us hope — like JGL and Devon Aoki — but this is the real world, people. Collectively, our romantic chances after a celebrity break-up go from 0 to 0, so let’s just wish our favorite personalities the best of luck in their relationship and continue rebuking me for doing a post on celebrity couples. (What? It’s Valentine’s Day, and it’s the best I could come up with. Sorry Besides, don’t judge me. You clicked didn’t you?)
5. Christina Hendricks and Geoffrey Arend: On the one hand, this celebrity couple gives the geeks in the world some small sliver of hope that, one day, a beautiful buxom red-head will give them the time of day. But on the other hand, no beautiful buxom red-head has given them the time of day yet, so screw that guy.
4. Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady: Why? Because I’m a Colts fan, and Tom Brady can go curb himself. I hope she dumps him, and dumps him hard the night before next year’s AFC Championship game between the Patriots and the Colts, and then Brady will have two reasons to cry. Look at that guy. Gah! What a doofus. May he be traded to Rex Ryan and the Jets in 2013.
3. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes: Because, not so secretly, in our heart of hearts, we have an affection for Katie Holmes. No, she’s not a great actress. And yes, she makes bad choices. Also, her feet are gnarly. But, as Michael Murray once wrote, “Holmes is a sort of archetype, a romantic ideal that for whatever reason could never be attained. When you look at her, you see the possibilities of an imagined future that would never come into being — tragic, yet ever beautiful and unsullied.” And damnit, Tom Cruise is sullying that image. She’s no longer a romantic ideal, she’s a brainwashed Stepford, and nobody wants that for poor, misguided but good-hearted Katie Holmes.
2. Katherine Heigl & Josh Kelley : But only if Josh Kelley does the dumping. I don’t know who Josh Kelley is (he’s a musician, right?), but if one day he wakes up and realizes what a horrible, dreadful mistake he’s made with his life, and leaves a Dear John letter on the goose-down pillow next to the chocolate that Heigl’s maid service provides under her canopy bed in her bedroom adjoining her mother’s, the stupor that it might inflict on Heigl — who might realize that she can’t have everything she’s ever wanted — would be priceless. And I hope Kelley calls TMZ in advance, so that they’re waiting outside of her bedroom with video cameras.
1. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith: Not because they’re not a great couple, and not because they’re not great people (they probably are), but put aside those Scientology aspersions many cast upon them, and our collective knee-jerk hatred of their devil-spawn invading a new generation, and the reality is: Will Smith and Jada Pankett Smith make the rest of us look bad. All that success, no dysfunction to speak of, a loving couple, great parents, millions of dollars, and — at least in Will Smith’s case — critical and commercial success. Plus, they’re both both appealing and attractive. It’s not fair. Spread the wealth, the love, and the skills, for God’s sake. They’re kind of great and, like Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, they inspire too much envy. Assholes.
(And honestly, why do we get bent out of shape so bad at the prospect of Jaden and Willow Smith dominating the younger generation when many of us grew up on and dug the hell “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” and “Parents Just Don’t Understand”?)