Valentine’s Day is a day where people in relationships do things. Go out to dinner? Play Yahtzee? I don’t even know, man. But if you’re not doing those things this weekend, here are eight movies—available on Netflix Instant, for minimal effort—that you can watch instead.
If you’re feeling angry and violent: Ironclad
Take a second look at that picture and tell me you don’t want to watch this movie. There are other people besides Paul Giamatti in Ironclad. Good, respectable actors, like Charles Dance and Derek Jacobi. But it’s Paul Giamatti as the evil King John, chewing enough scenery to make Al Pacino jealous, that makes Ironclad one of those movies where I feel sorry for people if they haven’t seen it. The tagline is “Heavy metal goes medieval,” for chrissakes.
If you’re feeling masochistic and want to torture yourself with romance: Romantics Anonymous
This one’s French. It’s a romcom. It’s about shy people finding love. One of them sings “I Have Confidence” from The Sound of Music at various points throughout the film. It takes place in a chocolate factory. It’s cute as hell. Proceed with caution.
If you’re an Olympicshead who’d rather watch something about sports: Ping Pong Playa
A friend and I, having stumbled upon this 2007 comedy about a wannabe basketball star who has to save his family’s ping pong business, cynically thought we’d be laughing at Ping Pong Playa, not with Ping Pong Playa. Luckily, we were wrong. This movie is genuinely funny, with some particularly talented child actors. Every time someone curses it’s bleeped out by the sound of a bouncing basketball, except for the time the BLEEEP is a bouncing ping-pong ball. There’s a rap about cereal. It’s well worth one hour and 36 minutes of your otherwise depressing weekend.
If you’re depressed and you want to laugh: The Emperor’s New Groove
You are never too old, and your film tastes never too refined, for kid’s movies. Watch The Emperor’s New Groove and be sad. I flipping dare you.
If you’re depressed and you want to wallow: Blancanieves
I love this movie, a black and white retelling of Snow White where Snow is a matador (just go with it), with all my heart. But we are not looking at a Disney ending here. I don’t want to spoil anything for you, but it’s, dare I say it, grim. Like, my-heart-has-been-hollowed-out-with-a-rusty-spoon grim. Have wine and chocolate handy.
If you’re bitter about life and want some satire: In the Loop
This is director Armando Iannucci’s quasi follow-up to the BBC’s excellent The Thick Of It. They’re both political satires that cover roughly the same ground and have a lot of the same actors, though those actors sometimes play different characters in the movie than they do in the series. The universal constant is Peter Capaldi as Malcolm Tucker, the foul-mouthed government spin doctor who utters lines like “Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up your sh*tter with a lubricated horse c*ck!” Ah, Doctor.
If you just want to watch anything without any damn romance in it: Dredd
Bonus: Karl Urban’s scowling face should be a passable GPOY for a lot of my singleton brethren forced to watch everyone else get all soppy. I have a boyfriend, and his name is THE LAW.
If you are in any state of mine whatsoever: Clue
In case you weren’t aware, Clue is on Netflix Instant. And it is never, ever, ever a bad time to watch it. Why aren’t you watching Clue right now? GO!
Rebecca has a lot of feelings about movies and candy.