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13 Psychopathic Reboots You Might Enjoy If You're Excited For the New Christian Grey-Centric '50 Shades'

By Vivian Kane | Lists | June 4, 2015 |

By Vivian Kane | Lists | June 4, 2015 |

It was announced this week that E.L. James would be writing a 50 Shades of Grey spinoff, telling the same story she’s been telling for the last few years, but this time told from the point of view of her abusive sociopathic sex oppressor romantic co-protagonist Christian Grey. (Suggested title: A Single Shitty Shade of Grey.) Because obviously we all need to take a moment to put ourselves into the shoes of the gross smothering villains of more stories. Fellow E.L. James superfan Brock Wilbur and I teamed up to bring you some more suggestions for songs, movies, and stories of all types that could maybe do with a little villainous empathy.

“You Oughta Know” from Dave Coulier’s point of view

Whether or not this song is actually about Coulier, we NEED a response piece to Alanis Morissette’s song. I mean, it must be really hard for a guy to be in a relationship with a woman who won’t go down on him in a theater. That’s a story that needs telling.

Snakes On a Plane as told by the snakes
“Oh, YOU’VE had it with US?” THAT’S RICH, SAMUEL L. JACKSON.” -xoxo, Snakes

The Weyland-Yutani Corporation’s take on the Alien franchise
Look, if you’ve got a problem with capitalism, you’re basically a communist who deserves to have aliens burst through your ribcage.

A Nightmare On Elm Street as told by Freddy Krueger
He must be so lonely, spending 16+ hours a day just waiting for those kids to fall asleep, just to have some company.

Sophie’s Choice from the point of view of that Nazi soldier
I mean, what do you think was going on in his life that drove him to a point where he’d feel the need to make a woman choose between her children. Maybe we all just need to have a little empathy, amirite?

Harry Potter from the eyes of Snape
I hear you, you think that this is a perspective you’d actually want to hear. But in reality, it would just be the story of a man trying to navigate to frustrating world of magical education bureaucracy, trapped under the bullsh*t No Wizard Left Behind act, always pressured to suck up to the PTA (the Patronous Teachers Association, duh).

The Great Gatsby, as told by Gatsby
It’s a LOT of whining and pining, but damnit the man deserves to be heard!

The Chronicles of Narnia, from the point of view of the wardrobe
“Oh sure, these kids just pass through me every day, BUT DOES ANYONE EVER STOP TO ASK HOW I’M DOING?”

The Lord of the Rings, Sauron edition
What you call “absolute Satanic rebellion” I call A STORY FOR THE AGES.

Don Quixote from the point of view of the windmills
They’re just trying to produce energy for their village and this guy keeps TILTING at them!

Game of Thrones, Joffrey’s story
“Dear Diary, Everything’s going super awesome. Today I freaked out my new super hot fianceé, had my guards beat my ex-fianceé, and made fun of my dwarf uncle. I’m basically the best king ever.”

The story of Cinderella’s stepmother
It must be really hard to be suddenly thrust into a new family with an ungrateful teenager. We should hear more of that, right?

Eleanor & Park, as told by Eleanor’s stepfather
Never mind, this one is too f*cked up to even make a joke out of. I take it back. I take it back forever.

Vivian Kane just wants McGonagall’s ‘Harry Potter’ all day, every day.

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