Halloween is the one day of the year when you have total carte blanche to watch the shittiest horror movies you can find. It’s what Valentines Day is to Nicholas Sparks movies. (J/K, there’s never an excuse for that.) As such, a lot of really, really terrible movies come out in October every year, because studios know that we’ll be itching for horror, no matter how bad. But there comes a point when we have to set standards for ourselves and separate the regular suck from the so-bad-it’s-damaging-your-brain suck. So while you’re choosing between Ouija and Horns this weekend, be glad you have those options. Because you could be stuck with one of these heaps of horror garbage from Octobers past.
Silent Hill: Revelation (2012)
If you’re a fan of lengthy exposition and 3D scare tactics (and nothing else), then 2012 would have been your year. With a Rotten Tomatoes score of 5%, TK called this “boilerplate video game gobbledygook.”
Hard to pass up, I know, but it may have actually been preferable over your other October 2012 choice:
Back From Hell (Ex Inferis) (2012)
This movie goes with the splatter technique of throwing out every horror convention they can think of, in the hopes that one might not suck. It doesn’t work. Haunted mansions, found footage, ouija boards, exorcisms… a veritable melting pot of shitty tropes.
Staunton Hill (2009)
When the trailer declares this movie comes “From the most legendary name in horror,” you may want to curb your enthusiasm. This comes from Cameron Romero, George’s son. Nepotism can get you pretty far, apparently, but it can’t make your shitty torture porn any less shitty.
The Fog (2005)
So let me get this straight, Maggie Grace left Lost to run from mysterious forces on a different island? A remake of a middling horror movie, trading in a general tone of creepy tension for a couple of half-asses jump tactics. RT gave this 5%, which I assume is 2.5 for Selma Blair, 2.5 for this jaunty hat/turtleneck combo:
It’s like The Biggest Loser meets Big meets nightmares.
But, you know, the not at all scary kind of nightmares.
Lost Souls (2000)
Marvel at the awesome power of Winona Ryders unchanging vocal patterns!
Dr. Giggles (1992)
Okay, this one’s off the list a bit, because it falls squarely into that So Bad It’s Good territory. A psychotic surgeon who giggles like a ticklish schoolgirl while he operates, the movie aims to be a little scary, a little funny. And it is. A very little.
Basically “The Birds, but with bats” had to be the entire pitch meeting for this movie. When it comes to bat-based films, I honestly can’t decide if I’d rather sit through this or Dracula Untold.
Vampire in Brooklyn (1995)
Eddie Murphy’s horror comedy that is neither horrific nor comedic.
House of the Dead (2003)
Can it get worse than a Uwe Boll movie about rave-going zombies?
No. No it can’t.