10 People and Characters I Currently Hate in the Face
Billy Burke — You were awful in the Twilight movies. You are awful in “Revolution.” I heard a major character died in this week’s episode. I hope it was you.
Honey Boo Boo’s Mother — I don’t mean to be an asshole (yes, I do), but you are a dime a dozen, lady. If I knew all it took to be famous was to turn my kid into a porcelain doll and eat my weight in gravy, I’d have stayed in Arkansas, moved in to my goddamn mother’s trailer home, and accepted my cousin’s marriage proposal when I was 15.
Political Spin Operatives Like Stephanie Cutter — Do you say anything worthwhile? Do you have any other setting besides Bullsh*t? Are you even capable of a substantive statement, or is there a string on your back that you pull to elicit political idioms?
Marvin — It’s not as if “How I Met Your Mother” has been bad enough, now they add a kid into the mix. I don’t mind kids. Hell, I love kids. I even love shows that have kids in them, but if that’s not the focus of your show, then stay out of that f*cking sandbox because you’re doing it wrong.
Mike Faber — Why are you still on this show? Didn’t you get punched in the face? What function do you serve? How many times do you need to get punched before you go away, because you are boring me.
Nellie Bertram — Do you exist for any other reason other than to remind us of how far “The Office” has fallen? Are you capable of showing consistency of character, or will you insist on alternating between pointlessly obnoxious and unnecessarily evil for the rest of the goddamn series?
John King — You are the epitome of what is wrong with CNN. Being objective does not mean giving equal weight to both sides of a story if one side is flat-out f**king wrong. Before presenting every side of an issue, consider whether there’s some merit to every side. Use some goddamn common sense in your reporting and filter out the nonsense before you speak.
Gemma Teller — You used to be such a strong, empowered character, and now you’ve just turned into the goddamn Erica Kane of nighttime soap operas. You let your husband destroy your character, and now you’re even more annoying and less sympathetic than Tara Knowles. Pull your head out of your ass, stop needlessly manipulating people, and grab some f*cking power.
Manny — You really are the worst.
Hazel — The actress who plays you is awesome. Your character, however, is not. There’s only half a season left of “30 Rock,” and I don’t want any of it wasted on you.