The Mighty Ducks: The hell is wrong with you people? The Mighty Ducks? It’s like the origin film for the Disney sports movie formula. It was Emilio Estevez’s last shot at relevance, and the man blew it. And yet, too many of you still adore this movie. Enough that you allowed two sequels to be made. (Yes, I know this is the trailer for D2, but I couldn’t find the trailer for the first one. That’s how badly Disney wants to hide it from you, so as to not give your nostalgic affection nightmares).
Love Actually: Look, I don’t want to go down the road with you people again with this movie. Love, Actually is a simpering ball of sap, manipulative beyond measure, as artificial as Twinkies, and as dim as five feet up a pig’s ass. Can we just agree that those of you who love it are wrong in the head?
Center Stage: Center Stage is essentially The Mighty Ducks with dancing and, somehow, twice the cheese. It’s old cheese. It’s covered in mildew. It’s an inept remake of Fame, which itself deserves recognition for this list.
Cutting Edge: I will never understand the strange hold that The Cutting Edge has on too large a percentage of women. D.B. Sweeney is the brain-damaged poor man’s version of John Cusack’s slow cousin. Is it the secret dream of certain women to want to be scooped up by a bland, passive-aggressive douchebag? And it’s not as though Moira Kelly is a great attraction, either. Give or take a few episodes of “The West Wing,” you’ve seen what’s happened to her career, right? Well, it was deserved.
Drive Me Crazy: When you have a weird affection for any movie starring Melissa Joan Hart, you have to start to question your head a little. There was nothing about Drive Me Crazy that in any way separated it from two dozen other bland, teen romantic comedies. And Adrien Greneir has all the charm of a wood plank trapped in a space vacuum.
The Craft: Really? The Craft? Because you were really proud of that Goth look you sported back in 1996 that you assembled from the discount racks at Claire’s Accessories in the mall? It’s the Lost Boys formula, gender-reversed and diluted by a series of cheesy special-effects sequences that erased any promise that Fairuza Balk might have been able to bring to the film.
The Crush: Fear with Reese Witherspoon, maybe I understand. But not The Crush. It’s a poor man’s Poison Ivy. A dumb man’s Lolita. If you’re wondering what happened to Cary Elwes’ career, The Crush should answer that question for you.
Hocus Pocus: A exhaustingly bad movie, and I don’t think many of you, now adults, realize just how kiddie this flick was, despite the exploding head of a zombie. Sarah Jessica Parker was the best thing about this movie, that’s how bad it was. Bette Midler with buck teeth? And way too many jokes revolving around the fact that one of the witches was overweight. Poor Kathy Najimy.
A Knight’s Tale: I like Heath Ledger, too. But it’s criminal to combine the 14th Century, Geoffrey Chaucer, and the music of Queen. However, I will concede that it was fun to watch Heath Ledger try to so very hard in a movie so far beneath his talents. Just be glad I saved 10 Things I Hate About You from this list.
Beastmaster: Oh, stop it. Yeah. I went there. What are you going to do about it? It’s my list, and I say Beastmaster is a bad movie. There’s a reason why most of you saw this for the first time on late-night TBS. It’s because it was the only suitable time slot. Just watch the trailer again. And TK, put down the bat, man. Wait, that’s not a bat. Shit, dude. You didn’t have to bring an axe. We can talk about this. Civilly. Alright, alright, alright! It was an awesome movie. It was the greatest movie ever! Seriously, it’s OK. Just put it down. No. No Noooooooo …
(Author’s Note: I actually liked two and a half movies on this list, but I’m not saying which.)
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