Don’t be fooled by the “Valentine’s Day” plastered on all the posters—50 Shades of Grey’s real release date is Friday the 13th, aka the day when the world comes together to fuck humanity
over. Everything we’re hearing about the film—that its stars can’t stand each other, that the sex scenes had to be reshot for lack of steam, the absense of Jamie Dornan full frontal nudity (who do you think you are, 50 Shades?!), rumored disputes between director Sam Taylor-Johnson and original author (“author”) EL James, and such ringing endorsements as “Mass appreciation doesn’t always equate to something good. Think of Hitler! But I think, in this case, it must. It simply must. There’s got to be merit in it if so many people agree.”—makes it look like we’ll have a giant, stinking pile of “Oh, crap!” on our hands come the thirteenth.
But could it possibly be as bad as these five movies with the same inauspicious release date? NOTE: Plenty of good movies have also come out on Friday the 13th—The Cabin in the Woods, How to Train Your Dragon 2, and 22 Jump Street to name a few—but we’re ignoring those like Christian Grey ignores Anastasia Steele’s lack of consent.
Dr. T and the Women (Friday, October 13th, 2000)
Only a year after Richard Gere made American swoon in the runaway hit Runaway Bride, he starred in this rom-com as a gynecologist for the rich Texas set who presumably doesn’t yank a tampon out of anyone. Just guessing. Despite not-awful reviews (OK, only 57% on Rotten Tomatoes, but that’s still better than the other films on this list), it made only $22.8 million worldwide against a production budget of $23 million. Maybe Mr T. and the Women would have done better?
Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (Friday, February 13th, 2004)
Like this Dirty Dancing quasi-prequel, 50 Shades will surely suffer from the lack of a young ‘n’ smoldering, time travel-provided Patrick Swayze. “I carried a watermelon. Oh, geez.”
The Happening (Friday, June 13th, 2008)
AKA “that movie where the trees did it.” Imagine Marky Mark as Christian Grey, instructing a naif Zooey Deschanel as to the art of sweet, kinky luuuuuuuuurve. Now go stab yourself in the face. I’m sorry.
The Three Stooges (Friday, April 13th, 2012)
“Instantly the plug inside me starts to vibrate—down there! Nyuk nyuk nyuk.” “The muscles inside the deepest, darkest part of me clench in the most delicious fashion. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.” “Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow!…He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no…Will it? How? Nyuk nyuk nyuk.” “He holds out his hand, and in his palm are two shiny silver balls linked with a thick black thread … Inside me! I gasp, and all the muscles deep in my belly clench. My inner goddess is doing the dance of the seven veils. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.”
Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Movie (Friday, August 13th, 2004)
I demand free Yu-Gi-Oh! cards with evert ticket to 50 Shades.