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Kristen Stewart Hosts the Best 'SNL' of 2017, So Far

By Dustin Rowles | Saturday Night Live | February 4, 2017 |

By Dustin Rowles | Saturday Night Live | February 4, 2017 |

Cold Open — “When the Jews are away, the Goys will play.” Alec Baldwin’s Donald Trump essentially reenacts Trump’s last weekend, freaking out on the Australian President and trying to trick the Mexican president into paying for the Mexican wall, before deferring to President Bannon. The thing about these Trump cold opens is that they’re not that funny — it’s impossible to satirize the President* — but there’s an extra layer here that makes these work anyway. With Trump watching, we know that he knows he’s being called out. He’s getting a small window into what the Americans, who he actually cares about, think about him. Being surrounded by Yes Men all day, these weekly Cold Opens are the closest thing he gets to a “no,” so they’re satisfying on that level. Watch here. (Score: 6.5 out of 10)

Kristen Stewart Cold Open — Stewart — who has a much better sense of humor about herself than you’d think — addresses those Trump tweets from a few years ago, commenting on her and Robert Pattinson’s relationship. “To be fair, I don’t think Trump hated me. I think he was in love with my boyfriend,” Stewart says. Stewart also adds, “If you didn’t like me then, you’re not going to like me now, because I’m, like, sooo gay, dude.” And then she ends it by accidentally dropping an F-bomb. Oops. It’s one of the better cold opens in recent memory. (Score: 7 out of 10)

Department of Homeland Welcome Video — The customs video has hastily been updated in light of the Muslim ban. It includes, among other things, a highly detailed questionnaire: “Are you Muslim: Yes or No? End of questionnaire.” Amusing, but not that amusing. (Score: 6 out of 10)

Dry Friday — At a college, two counselors come in and warn students about the dangers of drinking, and Courtney (Stewart) one-ups all their heavy drinking stories, ending in the time she got blitzed and shoved an egg up her ass. Watch here. (Score: 6 out of 10)

Totinos Commercial — You’re going to wanna watch this. Just trust me on this one. You’re probably going to wanna buy a lot of Totinos afterwards, too. (Score: 8.5 out of 10)

White House Press Briefing — A nearly unrecognizable Melissa McCarthy cameos here as Sean Spicer, and she’s angry, unhinged, profane, and completely full of bullsh*t, and she is amazing. McCarthy absolutely creams Sean Spicer’s public persona. It’s hard to parody Spicer, because Spicer is already so unhinged, but if anyone can do it, it’s McCarthy at her most hilariously deranged. Kate McKinnon also makes an appearance as a completely clueless Betsy DeVos.

SNL is pulling out all the guns for this one (including a literal water gun that Sean Spicer uses on a reporter for asking about the Holocaust Remembrance speech). Honestly, this is the kind of sketch that could trigger a thin-skinned Trump and provoke him to fire Sean Spicer, once he realizes no one has any respect for his press secretary. This may also be the sketch of the season. Watch here. (Score: 10 out of 10)

Weekend Update — Another hit-and—mostly-miss “Update,” but most of the hits this week came from Jost (who killed it with the Clinton/Bowling Green Massacre joke), while Che continues to lackadaisically give Trump a little too much leeway, although I did like his Super Bowl dig at the end. Otherwise, Che looks both asleep and high. Keenan Thompson also shows up as Big Poppy to discuss tomorrow’s big game. I kind of zoned out during it and starting rewatching the McCarthy sketch. Sorry. (Score: 5 out of 10)

Family Feud: Super Bowl Edition — It’s celebrity Falcons’ fans (Bieber, Samuel L. Jackson (played by Leslie Jones), Paula Dean, Roger Goodell) versus celebrity Patriots’ fans (Gisele Bündchen, Bill Belichick, Casey Affleck, and Lady Gaga). It’s an average sketch, but I’ll give it two extra points because Kristen Stewart is a great Bündchen, and because Leslie Jones couldn’t keep a straight face. Watch here. (Score: 6 out of 10)

Meet Cute — Steve (Pete Jones) meets Clare (Stewart) in a coffee shop and asks her out, but forgets to ask for her last name or phone number, and spends the rest of the sketch trying to track her down. It’s the kind of short film that only works if there’s a great payoff in the end. There’s not. Watch here. (Score: 4 out of 10)

TNT Classics Presents Willy Wonka — When Grandpa stands up after Charlie brings home the ticket, Charlie (Stewart) gets furious, because he realizes that Grandpa could walk the whole fucking time and refused to. “I’m out on the street while your lazy asses are in bed scissoring?” Cute. Watch here. (Score: 5 out of 10)

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.