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Would Trump Rather Admit to a Felony than Allow the World to See His Penis?

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | March 8, 2018 |

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | March 8, 2018 |


The Stormy Daniels story refuses to die, and that’s OK by me, because the longer it continues, the more likely Donald Trump will eventually have to answer for the payoff, and the more likely it is that he will have to add a perjury felony to the felonies he committed to paying the hush money in the first place.

It is not illegal to have an affair, nor is it illegal to pay someone $130,000 to silence her. It is illegal, however, to accept in-kind contributions — a payment made in consultation with or in coordination with a political candidate’s campaign.

The payment to Stormy Daniels came 12 days before the election and clearly designed to influence the campaign. Michael Cohen originally stated that he made the payment out of his own pocket, seemingly in an effort to avoid being accused of conspiring with the campaign to pay off Daniels. But he also apparently told Daniels that the original payment was late because he couldn’t pin Trump down to get the money, and he also claimed that Trump had not paid him back. Both of those statements implicate Trump in a campaign finance violation (which is a felony).

But it appears that a campaign finance law was broken in either respect. Either Cohen made an in-kind contribution or Trump (and his campaign) coordinated with Cohen to pay off a porn star in order to influence the election. The amount of the contribution — $130,000 — also obviously breaks the contribution limit by an individual ($2700).

What’s bizarre here is that Trump filed an arbitration suit to stop Stormy Daniels from talking about the affair after Daniels suggested she would after what she perceived as a violation of the agreement by Michael Cohen by virtue of admitting to making the $130,000 payment. The affair is common knowledge. Many of the details of the affair are already known (like the fact that she spanked Trump with a Forbes magazine, and the shark details). So, what is Trump trying to hide here, if he’s willing to file a restraining order — which acknowledges the nondisclosure agreement, and thus the affair — to prevent Daniels from speaking?

Is it the images and texts Daniels admitted existed in her lawsuit? Are Trump and his lawyer going through this whole ordeal — and drawing out the story and risking acknowledging campaign finance laws were broken — to hide the fact that Trump’s penis and hand size are similarly proportioned?

I submit, your honor, that this is the only logical conclusion we can make.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.