Who Said It: RNC Speaker Or Trolling Comedian?

By Emily Cutler | Politics | July 20, 2016 |

By Emily Cutler | Politics | July 20, 2016 |

As we march into day 3 of the RNC, a lot of the radioactive shine is off the apple. Sure there’s been the plagiarism and the trolling, but where’s the fun? Some of it is being supplied by actual comedians. Eric Andre and Tim Heidecker continue to do their best, but they so far haven’t been supplying nearly as many jokes as the people speaking on the actual stage. See if you can decide which of the following quotes are from comedians trolling the RNC and speakers appearing at the RNC.

1) “Now, one of the things that I have learned about Hillary Clinton is that one of her heroes, her mentors was Saul Alinsky. He wrote a book called Rules for Radicals. It acknowledges Lucifer, the original radical who gained his own kingdom. So are we willing to elect someone as president who has as their role model somebody who acknowledges Lucifer? Think about that.”

2) “So here’s what we’re going to do, we’re going to present the facts to you. You see, since the Justice Department doesn’t want to allow you to render a verdict, I’m going to present the case now, on the facts, against Hillary Rodham Clinton. Lock her up! Lock her up! Lock her up!”

3) “Watch the Democratic Party convention next week, that four-day infomercial of politically correct moralizing, and let it be a reminder of all that is at stake in this election. You can get through four days of it with a little help from the mute button, but four more years of it? Not a chance. Not a chance. Look, the Obama years are almost over. The Clinton years are way over. 2016 is the year America moves on!”

4) “In 2001, my partners [Lorenzo and Frank Fertitta] and I bought the UFC, and it was basically considered a bloodsport. State athletic commissions didn’t support us. Arenas around the world refused to host our events. Nobody took us seriously. Nobody. Except Donald Trump. Donald was the first guy that recognized the potential that we saw in the UFC, and encouraged us to build our business. He hosted our first two events [UFC 30 and 31] at his venue [Trump Taj Mahal], he dealt with us personally, he got in the trenches with us, and he made a deal that worked for everyone. On top of that, he showed up for the fight on Saturday night and sat in the front row! Yeah, he’s that guy. He shows up!”

5) “Our schools used to be an elevator to the middle class, now they’re stalled on the ground floor. They’re like Soviet-era department stores that are run for the benefit of the clerks and not the customers, for the teachers and the administrators and not the students.”

Give up? Can’t figure out which ones were said by jokers at the convention vs. jokers speaking at the convention? It might be a little tough because all of the nonsense was spouted by people standing on the actual stage and representing the actual party. Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Paul Ryan, UFC President Dana White and Donald Trump Jr. Of course DTJ’s comments don’t seem like that big of a joke until you realize it makes him guilty of that worst liberal sin: recycling.

But don’t worry because the GOP just released advanced copies of Trump’s speech planned for this Friday, and I think it’s going to be the hugest, classiest, best speech of all time. Really, believe me, it’s really going to be the best, good speech that anyone has given. It’s going to be unbelievable just how speechy he’s going to get. Now where’d I put that copy? It starts, “Four score and seven years ago … ”