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Welcome to the Resistance, Jimmy Fallon, You Dumb Schmuck!

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | June 26, 2018 |

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | June 26, 2018 |


Jimmy Fallon is a schmuck. He thought he could be apolitical during one of the most divisive periods in American history. He thought he could “no comment” his way through four years of Trump (or eight). He thought he could sit on the sidelines and play charades with Justin Timberlake and Taylor Swift while the world burned. “Oooh! Look at the pretty colors on that fire!” He helped to normalize Trump by tousling his hair on the most-watched late-night talk show on television, and I will never forgive him for that, even if Fallon wasn’t smart enough to realize that there’s a difference between inviting a Presidential candidate on the show and inviting Donald Trump onto the show. It’s best not to humanize evil, Jimmy. You should know better, even though I realize that you didn’t because you’re not very bright.

But also: Welcome to the resistance, Jimmy. It took you fucking long enough. But open tent, better later than never, and all that. I saw a bunch of Trumpers talking shit about you on Twitter yesterday, and it brought me so much joy, Jimmy! Becuase now you know, Jimmy! You got on the wrong side of Trump, and he vilified you, and an enemy of my enemy is my friend, even if he is a dumb schmuck.

So, welcome to the party, Jimmy. And I know you’re not as relevant as you once were when people didn’t give a shit about what was going on around them, but you still command the largest audience in late night (even if it’s not as big as Colbert’s in the prized demographic), so use that power, you dumb schmuck!

This joke from last night’s monologue?

“When I saw that Trump insulted me on Twitter, I was going to tweet back immediately, but I thought, ‘I have more important things to do.’ Then I thought, ‘Wait, shouldn’t he have more important things to do? He’s the president of the United States.’ What are you doing! You’re the president! Why are you tweeting at me?”

Not bad, Jimmy. I mean, it’s neither funny nor incisive, but you managed to be dismissive of the President, and when a puppy dog is dismissive, that means something to a certain segment of the population. So, you keep rolling your eyes at Trump, buddy. Let Colbert, and Bee, and Noah, and Kimmel, and Oliver, and Wolf do the heavy lifting, and you can just sit there and fulfill your role by batting your eyelashes and giggling at your own punchlines, while you gosh darnit the President. Because there’s power in that, Jimmy. Use it, you dumb schmuck. Keep pretending to stay above the fray while batting Trump like a ball of yarn, you dumb kitten.

Welcome to the Resistance, Jimmy, now please go to the back of the room now. The adults are talking.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.