Welcome to a new weekly series here at Pajiba. Or at least weekly until Trump stops being in charge or sweet merciful climate change destroys us all. One of those.
Much (and yet still not nearly enough) has been made of the bed of nails principal in regards to Donald Trump. With such a nonstop barrage of noise ranging from nonsensical and idiotic to pure evil to a terrible twist cone of the two, it’s impossible to take it all in even if you manage to catch them all like the worst Pokemon ever.
With much of this concentrated over the weekends, when his staff is at home with their families and begging forgiveness from a higher power that long ago turned from them, and most of us only able to absorb the biggest and most disturbing bits, we will provide a rundown of some of the things you may have missed.
This was a long weekend, one with ritual sacrifice and pie. So let’s head all the way back to Thursday.
- For his Thanksgiving dinner, Trump pulled together the finest minds he knows to make the decision regarding his Secretary of State pick: Mitt Romney or Rudy Giuliani. That thinktank included Richard Nixon’s grandson Christopher Nixon Cox, who Trump plans to make ambassador to China, the CEO of Marvel Entertainment Ike Perlmutter, the CEO of Newsmax—the second largest conservative media outlet behind Fox News—Christopher Ruddy, Don King, and Fabio. That Fabio. People are obviously pretty stuck on the Fabio bit, but the Newsmax part is both expected and horrifying.
That actually sums up almost every Trump story, doesn’t it? “I’m doing something that should chill you to your very core. LOOK! IT’S FABIO!”
- Trump is allegedly “furious” with Kellyanne Conway for saying Mitt Romney is an egomaniac and a lone wolf. Campaign sources told Joe Scarborough (god, this post is already highlighting the New York Post, Newsmax, and Joe goddamn Scarborough as Supreme Leader’s official state news channels) that she is going rogue and “pushing her own agenda”, as though that is a thing that exists in the soviet republic of Trumpestan. In a world of uncertainty, never forget the truest constant: women’s primary purpose in Trump’s circle is to be thrown under buses.
- Jared Kushner, Ivanka’s husband and advisor to his father-in-law/romantic rival, thought Bridgegate was badass. Literally, that’s the verbiage he used. He emailed David Wildstein, the Port Authority executive who helped Chris Christie and co. to carry out the closure of the George Washington Bridge, saying “For what it’s worth, I thought the move you pulled was kind of badass.” Neat guy.
- Trump has passed on attending all but two of his daily intelligence briefings BECAUSE HE DOES NOT GODDAMN FEEL LIKE BEING PRESIDENT.
Even the people closest to him agree.
During the campaign I asked two ppl close to Trump if he wanted to be potus or just wanted to win. Both replied it was a good question.— Maggie Haberman (@maggieNYT) November 28, 2016
- Oh and while we’re talking about people closest to Trump, Steve Bannon thinks “it’s not such a bad thing” for black people to be excluded from voting.
OK, that’s enough for now. I need my inhaler.